What are most men like when they are upset? I (42F) am considering leaving my husband (46M) over how he acts when upset.

TL;DR: how do upset/angry men really talk to their wives ‘behind closed doors’ and how often are they upset at their wives?

Hi all, I’m in a very unhappy marriage. I (42F) my spouse (46M). Married 12 years. Two children (5&10). I’ve been very seriously considering divorce for a good 10 years. And to be honest, none of the 12 years have been good. There is no reference point to look back on, no happy honeymoon period or even a happy dating period where we felt close or connected. My biggest fear is leaving this marriage and breaking up my children’s family, only to find that he’s a regular man, we have a regular marriage, and I’m just super sensitive and not realistic about how men are when they are upset. Or how often they get upset. Right from the beginning of marriage he has shown little interest in me sexually. We have sex maybe 3-6-12 times a year depending on the year. Yes, even the first year of marriage. I always ask, he always avoids it if possible. He’s too tired, or mostly when I don’t ask it’s because he’s mad at me for something which is most of the time. He doesn’t like it of if I sleep later than he thinks I should. Or if the dishes aren’t put away how he thinks they should be. Or if the kids don’t eat how he thinks they should, or if he perceives he’s doing too many chores, and it goes on and on. Nothing is ever good enough for him to just be in a happy mood. We both work out of the home, and are at a busy time of our lives. It’s hard for sure. But I’m a go with the flow kind of person, keep a smile on your face, and be kind to everyone all the time kind of person. He is uptight, likes things just right, tension constantly in the house. I walk on eggshells and dread when I see his truck pull up from work. It’s like the energy in the house just dims. If we do manage to have a ‘conversation’ about anything serious, he is very hostile in how he speaks to me. He won’t call names, but he is very angry, swears (even in front of the children) facial expressions screwed up like an ogre while he sarcastically accuses me of all sorts of faults, uses passive aggression, slams doors, stomping, arms flailing all over the place to express his frustration with how horrible I am, huffing, raised voice. We even have a couple of holes I doors from him punching them. In the end nothing is solved, he doesn’t hear a thing I say except to just feel accused of failing apparently(which angers him), and I cry because he’s so unkind in how he speaks to me, and I just wanted to peacefully solve a problem together. It’s not even worth bringing anything up. I find it impossible to have a constructive convo with him. He just blames me for being an ungrateful winey wife if I have any issue to bring up. Is this just par for the course…. How most men communicate if there is an issue to discuss?? Am I delusional to think there are men out there who are emotionally healthy and can communicate in respectful ways, and contribute to an overall happy home and happy relationship? And that they would be single and available at 40?? Or am I going to be saddened to find there is no greener grass and every man turns into an asshole the second he feels questioned or judged, and his wife isn’t figuratively patting him on the head saying ‘good boy’ like a Mommy would? I don’t want to ruin my children’s life looking for a happy stable home, if in fact what I have is actually the norm and everyone just hides it and puts on a smile for show. So what is the truth? What are men truly like behind closed doors when there are conversations or conflicts to be sorted out? For reference I’m 4th generation Canadian with Scandinavian roots, and he is similar background. Also, I have asked him for years to please speak more kindly when he is upset because it hurts me. Instead of hearing me, he accuses me of not accepting him and wanting to change him, and it makes him further angry that he isn’t accepted for how he is when he is feeling emotions. From his perspective I am a controlling person for not being ok with how he expresses his upset emotions, controlling for asking him to change how he speaks to me when he is upset. Am I? Am I being unreasonable? Is this just what a ‘fight’ is when other couples say they had a fight?