I need help and advice.

Hello, I am a 16-year-old male from Sweden who is struggling heavily with emotions, relationships, and school to the point where I often don’t feel like existing. I try to cover everything with a smile, but in reality I feel lazy, stuck, and unable to change.

This started when I began using Discord around age 13. At first, I had many friends, I joined communities, talked to people, tried calling them, and did everything I could to socialize. But over time, something strange kept happening around 75% of people I met would block me, often randomly, sometimes after I just said “hi.” This has happened so often that from my perspective, it feels like everyone will eventually betray or leave me.

About me: I am very shy in public but not shy in one-on-one private conversations. I have diagnosed anxiety disorder, Autism (type 1), OCD, and insomnia. I know these are interconnected, and I often blame my relationship problems on them, both with friends and my family.

My relationship with my parents is tense. There is a lot of conflict and shouting. They say I am aggressive, easily triggered, lazy, and that I don’t study enough or rely too much on others to do things for me. I believe they are right about many of these things. My “laziness” feels like I constantly delay things, thinking I’ll do them later, but I never actually follow through. This has been going on for years.

There is also a very clear pattern in my relationships. Usually, I get attached to one person very strongly. They become my main emotional focus, basically taking up my entire day and attention, and everything else school, hobbies loses importance. But over time, the same thing always happens. People start calling me “manipulative,” “obsessive,” “controlling,” or say I demand too much attention, and eventually they leave.

When I get attached, I text a lot sometimes every few minutes. If someone doesn’t reply, even for a short time, I start to panic. Sometimes it’s after just minutes, sometimes hours, but either way I feel extreme anxiety, stress, restlessness, tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing, and I start overthinking everything. My thoughts go to things like: “What if they forgot me?”, “What if they’re ignoring me on purpose?”, or “What if they’re about to block me?”

When I send messages repeatedly, I’m hoping they’ll finally respond, apologize, and reassure me. I also feel like if I don’t send something, something bad will happen like they’ll forget about me or misunderstand me and leave. So I feel forced to act.

I also do things I know are manipulative. For example, if someone wants to leave a call to meet someone else, I might lie and say I did something important or stayed up for them just to make them feel guilty and stay longer, even though I know it won’t actually change anything. In those moments, I am aware it’s manipulative, but it feels like the only way to keep them.

There are many situations like this. With my ex, for example, we had an agreement after breaking up that neither of us would date for a year. She broke that agreement, and I reacted with aggression and impulse. She called me things like “bastard,” “manipulative,” “pathetic,” “obsessive,” and “controlling.” But in reality, our conflicts had been ongoing for months, always about the same pattern me applying pressure, showing fear of losing her, and her slowly pulling away.

She even said, “I understand why so many people blocked you.”

After people leave, I feel a deep emotional shock, like something cracks inside me. It feels like a small trauma every time. When it happens, I feel both that they are wrong and that I messed up. I think things like “why did I say that instead of something else?” but also “why did they leave me like this?” Sometimes I even ask people to promise they won’t block me, and they promise, but still end up blocking me anyway, which makes it even harder to trust anyone.

Over time, I’ve started believing multiple things at once: that I am too much for people, that people always leave no matter what, that others don’t attach to me the same way I attach to them, and that I don’t understand how to act “normally” in relationships.

Most of this behavior happens online. I haven’t really had stable offline friendships in recent years. When I get angry, I feel like I lose control emotionally, but at the same time I do choose my words. I often say rude or aggressive things and then regret them almost immediately. Sometimes I apologize quickly and intensely, saying things like “I’m so sorry, please forgive me,” but it comes after I’ve already hurt the other person.

Another issue is that I am very scared to admit when I’m wrong. Even when I know I am, my pride stops me from saying it properly. It feels uncomfortable or wrong to admit it, even though I regret my actions.

My mental state has been getting worse recently. I feel more restless, more impulsive, more aggressive, and more unstable. My sleep is also inconsistent. On non-school days, I usually sleep around 4 a.m. and wake up at 2–3 p.m. On school days, I sleep earlier (around 10–12) and get around 6–9 hours. I spend most of my day on my phone.

I also overthink everything constantly people’s actions, responses, timing, and even stalk profiles or conversations to understand what’s happening. I’ve even asked others for screenshots of conversations involving people I care about, which I know is wrong.

At this point, I feel extremely tired. I feel like no matter what advice I get, nothing changes. The same pattern always repeats: I get attached, I feel fear, I apply pressure, they leave, and I’m left feeling broken again.

Someone once told me I don’t understand what a friend is and that I treat people like toys. I don’t fully agree, but I understand why it might look that way.

I don’t know what I am, what I should do, or what I’m even trying to become. I want to change, but I feel like I can’t.

Please, help me, give me the best advice you have, if you need more context or have any questions i'll answer!