I don’t even hate myself like that, most days I like myself when I’m not thinking about all that encompasses me. It’s honestly just the fact that all my existence in this universe has done is bring people pain and suffering. I’m always dependent on someone. I’m 26 with no degree, job, or prospects really besides marriage. I feel useless and burdensome to everyone around me. 

I’m always hearing complaining about how much anguish and suffering my parents have to endure to send me some money to live in the somewhat expensive city, out of my country, that I’m in. I couldn’t complete my degree because of the deep dark depression I found myself in. I didn’t really like what I was studying but I knew I had to do something. My being has been through things even I fail to comprehend. I don’t really have anyone to blame, I’m past that. I mean, I understand their humanness, especially my parents. I don’t really feel any closeness to them, just sincere compassion and sympathy with a bit of emptiness. I know they will never understand me as a person, I know the empty space between us will always be there, I know it all too well. 

I just don’t really see the point of my being here. I’m still waiting on my permit to be able to even live and study here. I applied late too because I was starving myself and rotting in bed for weeks. I’m in a state of limbo now. I can’t work, I can’t study, I can’t leave. I don’t really want to leave because I hate it there. I don’t have any real ambitions or aspirations. I don’t yearn for much, besides comfortability and maybe a home with a nice garden idk. I have the best partner anyone could ask for, he tries his best with me, he wants the best for me. I feel like I trapped him in my mess. He has helped me immensely through all of this. I‘m kind to him I promise. I just feel horrible for him, for everyone. I wish I had a talent, a dream, a desire for something. It feels worse because everyone wants to help me get somewhere in life and I keep failing them. I’m sad and overwhelmed by the universe-sized void in my soul.  

On the menu: Ramen that looks like throw up but was actually deliciouss and a persimmon with some grapes. 🍜🍇  


i wish my soul wasn’t thrown into this universe, wish i could delete my existence from it