do i actually like her?

i am 26, and i never dated a girl before. the most that has happened is that i made out with a girl. she was extremely drunk, and i wasn’t as drunk as her, but tipsy. she apparently had been kissing my neck all night, but i never noticed. people from the party we were at told me after. i do remember when we kissed though because she needed to pee, and grabbed my hand and pulled me to go with her. when we’re in the bathroom, she’s laughing and stumbling around. she then looks at me, grabs my face, and kisses me. i realized what was happening and didn’t exactly stop it. and we pulled away for a bit, and i remember then being the one to grab her back and kiss her harder. but it was not like romantic in my opinion. it felt heated and just very in the moment. i enjoyed it looking back. but nothing ever came from it except she texted me the next day saying she was so drunk and was sorry for whatever she did. we never talked about it again.

i never viewed her as a romantic interest either, mostly because she was a family friend and had a male fiancé..too much to ever even think about. i also again, have never dated a woman. but this isn’t the first time ive been in situations like this. ive always been finding myself going back and forth with my sexuality. ive had maybe 2 serious boyfriends in my life, both of which started from the ages of 16-18. i had male crushes too. but whenever i was with my best friend, whoever that would be at the time, i always felt so tender and bashful whenever we were in intimate situations. like if she was at my house and laying on the bed with me, i would feel so weird. like this warmth but yet embarrassment? it would make me uncomfortable but also anxious. and it felt wrong. Or if they would undress around me, i felt like i HAD to look away. if i looked, it just felt like i wasn’t supposed to. not necessarily any feelings of arousal, but just something that i couldn’t key myself do. eventually i started noticing masculine girls and found them attractive. i think at the time, i might’ve not known it was attraction. but staring at them from afar, it would feel flirty and kinda exciting. so here’s my current situation…

i had a job interview, and as nervous as i was to actually DO the interview, when i saw who was going to interview me, i felt instantly thrown off my feet. this attractive woman approaching me, smiling and so effortlessly dashing. she introduces herself and we shake hands. and i just feel this instant like awe and anxiety. She tells me to follow her to our interview spot, and i walked behind her and just started looking at her, the way she walked and the outfit she had on. she’s wearing dress pants, and a tie and a casual business suit. We get to the tables and she pulls the chair out for me. i didn’t feel anxious anymore because of the interview. i felt anxious to talk to her. she was so easy to talk to, and when i spoke, she seemed genuinely interested (well obviously she’s interviewing duh) and at every answer i gave her, it’s like i needed to now make it sound appealing for HER, not for the job. i wanted her to like me beyond being a candidate for the position. we make jokes and i laugh and then she offers me the job. i was so happy and i felt so relieved that at least i secured the job. when i got up to leave, i felt so awkward to push my chair in, and i thanked her and left.

well ive been there for a couple of weeks now, and i just find myself feeling this overwhelming feeling. when she’s near me, i make it a point to not look at her because i’m nervous she’s going to talk to me. but i also want her to talk to me. i want her to notice me. but i’m so anxious of that happening too. whenever i do talk to her, i find myself giving her my full attention and eye contact, and i just feel so..idk swept in? i know what this might mean of me. and i’m ok with it. but what confuses me is that i don’t know what this means for me in terms of my past relationships. my past love languages. if i go far back enough to try and make sense of it all and find clues, it feels like maybe im lying to myself about liking women. because ive had sex with men. and i enjoyed it as one would. But I also never liked a lot of the things men are. I think they’re gross most of the time. and I never found myself gushing over men at the gym, or buff jacked men, or even their bodies naked. if I think about it, it just feels cringe to me.

But there’s more, i currently am in a relationship with a man whom I’ve been with for almost 8 years… this is the part where i feel extremely guilty and confused about. because it sounds shitty. it sounds complicated. And that’s the last thing i wanna be. I’ve always been in relationships with men, and when they ended it would cause true heartbreak. and ive had crushes on men, but now i think i might be crushing on this woman. and i know its a crush because it feels so gut wrenching and heavy, like when you go down a roller coaster and your stomach just flips. i’m supposed to go to work today and see her, and thinking of it is making me so nervous. also, it’s not like i could ever try to flirt with her because well..she can’t really do that with her position. it’s been eating at me, and it excites me but scares me. and ever since i met her, ive been so confused on what’s real and what’s not in terms of my sexuality and feelings.…