Perfect Man, Different Goals (TLDR at end)

I (22f) and my boyfriend (25m) have been together for over a year. He is genuinely such a good man. Kind, patient, just adores my presence, is great with all my friends and family, we have a good balance of doing everything I love and everything loves and putting up with it even if it's not what the other likes to do. The kind of man who will spend the last of his money without me knowing, just to take me on a nice dinner because he knows it makes me happy. He sends me a thank you for the lovely time and a note of how happy I make him after almost every hangout. I would say yes to a proposal in a heartbeat honestly, we've been through a lot of ups and downs including a momentary breakup which he drove 7 hours to deliver me flowers and a handmade gift and poem to get me back. He fixed everything that lead me to leave and corrects everything as soon as he catches wind. I love his family, his niece and nephew call me Auntie, I feel so at home there. (Before I get any such comments yes of course I treat him like a King, I love him very loudly)

The only standout issue is where each of us want to end in life. He wants to be a father to kids, he wants to live a more rural life disconnected from the world. I always imagined myself living a childless life, enjoying the occasional company of friends and family's kids I could be an amazing aunt to and living in the big city. My biggest reason is my mental health; I have ADHD, PTSD, BPD, BP2, insomnia, OCD... Absolute embarrassment of a list but it's what I live with daily. (Yes diagnosed I'm not that much of a lunatic) I strongly fear that I could be not a good mother, or at least not a happy one. I take medication, I have a very well balanced diet and cook at home, I work out 5-6 days a week, I'm in therapy, I do all I can to take good care of myself and thus those around me. But the post-partums are what terrify me. Post-partum depression, for me depression is a bottomless pit that leaves me thinking of a way out every second of every day with the obsessive thought like a broken record in your brain "You'll k*** yourself you'll k*** yourself you'll k*** yourself". I am inconsolable, a hollow shell, alive but not living. Post-partum psychosis is even further of a horror, the things it makes you capable of. My mother suffered PPD. Then if I don't have children of my own and we adopt, I still have my fear of what I'm like when I'm already overstimulated and there's screaming and banging and breaking things around me. What if I became cruel. What if with my BPD I split on my own children and grew to go between loathing and loving. That's no way to live, that's how I wind up raising tortured souls who suffer the same BPD as I grew up with. I don't think I'm capable of being cruel but what if I were. The city is an escape for me, always things to do and new or old people to see, places are open all hours. I'm mostly extroverted so that's how I keep my peace a lot of the time. Rural doesn't offer that privilege in the same way, I know because I lived it. I'd gladly do weekend escapes but living there sounds like a recipe for my disaster. Hell I plan on getting into sales, I'd even buy him a cute little cabin on a lake somewhere. I pray that would be enough.

But I don't know what to do about the kids. He is so brilliant with them, he loves kids so much, he's a man who wants to be a father and a husband; not just a man with a wife and kids. With his niece and nephew I do get baby fever, they're so cute and sweet and it's amazing to watch them learn and grow. I used to be awkward with children, my OCD gets in my head, but I really love those little ones and it's beautiful how safe and excited they are with me. If I didn't have mental illness I know I would be a f*cking fantastic mother. I just get in my head so bad about what if I were to be a good wife with kids, instead of a great wife and a mother. Or even worse just a wife with kids. Or my mental illness would stand out so bad I'd become a single mom with kids.

Sorry for the long rant, just been racking my brain now that I really see and want a future with him. I can never tell if I want to be the cool childless aunt and uncle because that's what I really want, or if I want that out of empathy for what could be. I want to give him everything he dreams of and more, I just am scared of seeing my past self return. Mental illness doesn't run my life anymore, but what if it could. I want to be a mother for him, just endless anxieties, I don't want to be bitter.

TLDR: I'm with a great man who I would love to marry, we are so in love, but he wants to have kids and live in the countryside while I always imagined being in a childless marriage full of life and love in the city. I have many mental illnesses including BPD/BP2/ADHD and fear it would make me a bad mother but want to fulfill his dreams and don't know what to do.

Would love any thoughts or stories or advice <3