ROCD and Marriage

I found this subreddit a few days ago after feeling insane for 1 week with spiraling doubts about my fiance. Everything that everyone described made me feel less alone and I've set up an appointment with an OCD specialist for tomorrow thanks to the advice of all of you, so I'd like to start out by saying thank you. For context, I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD when I was 9.

The thing I'm most struggling with, which seems to be common here, is untangling if what I feel is legitimate or the ROCD/Anxiety talking. I've never been able to trust my gut and even had a therapist tell me that trusting your gut isn't actually a thing.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. After living together for about 4 years, we sat down and had the "where is this going" conversation and quickly aligned that we wanted to get married at some point, have kids, the whole thing. I was elated. I called my parents and my best friends to share that we were "pre-engaged" and couldn't have been more excited. What happened next was very confusing. I guess was expecting at least one person in my life to say "oh that's a terrible idea, don't do that," or "we liked him as your boyfriend, but he's not marriage material," but no one did. That's when the spiraling began.

I had been confident in this person for a long time and then was crushed with "this isn't right," "something's off," "it shouldn't feel this way." I pushed those feelings down because everyone loves us together and I was worried if I spoke with anyone about these feelings they'd judge me. I also had fantasies about breaking up and tried to make myself feel better by saying "well it's not like you're engaged, you could leave at anytime, so just wait," or "you've been together for awhile, it makes sense that the butterflies aren't there anymore. The love has changed, it hasn't stopped." Looking back, I'm worried I was trying to convince myself because the thought of breaking up was too logistically challenging (we live together, our entire social circles are intertwined), not because I actually wanted to be with him.

We got engaged about 2 years ago and the entire day I knew it was coming and had an overwhelming urge to scream "No!" We've now recently started actively planning our wedding and the entire process has been excruciating. Each time we check something else off the list, I feel a deeper sense of "run." I'm worried I'm only doing it to avoid the friction of breaking up. I also feel shame that I've thought about breaking up in the past and how could I possibly marry someone if I was close to breaking up with them before? I feel like a fraud and that it's too late now to break up, so even if that's the right choice, it isn't a choice. This is what has lead to the intense spiral for the last week. I haven't been able to sleep or eat, I wake up after a few hours of sleep and throw up, I'm exhausted, and I keep telling myself I need to make a decision on if I stay or go because prolonging it isn't fair to either of us.

When I really think about breaking up I get a giant sense of relief, or wish that he would break up with me so that it wouldn't be my decision. But then when I think about how comfortable I am with him, how much he feels like home, what a great father he'll be, I think "do you really think you'll be able to find someone better?" But then am I settling? Is good enough, good enough?

The finality of marriage has also been bringing up a lot of fears about my future outside of the relationship. The idea of forever has made me evaluate what I even want out of my life, if I'm making the wrong choice with this does that mean my life path is off?

Of course there are things in our relationship that aren't perfect that I could blame on this feeling, but when I think of those things, I know they're things we can work out. We have incredible communication, we're in couples therapy which is going great, but there's still this underlying sense of being trapped. I feel like when they close the door on the airplane and you know you can't turn back.

To make matters worse, my therapist of 12 years (who specializes in anxiety, but not OCD) said to me today that I shouldn't feel like this going into marriage and I'm worried she's right. I'm worried I'm telling myself it's ROCD as an excuse to stay. I feel like I shouldn't have to talk myself into marrying someone. She said that if I've been feeling this doubt there must be a reason that I need to get to the bottom of.

I know there's no true "soulmate" or "one," but I read stories of people who left relationships because they knew in their gut that it wasn't right and then found the person they were "meant to be with." I'm so scared that's me and that I'm not allowing myself to be as happy as I can be because I'm too scared to break up. But then I'm scared that if we break up I'll regret it. It makes it harder that this is the only person I've been in a long term relationship with, so I have nothing to compare it to. It also brings up thoughts of "what would it be like to be with a woman?" "I'll never have the chance to fall in love again," "I'll never have sex with anyone else," "I'm giving up all these other experiences to be with him." On paper, he's the exact kind of person I want as a life partner, so feeling unsure must mean that there's a kernel of truth to the doubt.

I don't know what I'm asking for necessarily, but I needed to get this off my chest to people who would understand. I've feel like I know all of you from reading your stories and it gave me the courage to tell mine. Even writing it I feel shame and guilt about how I'm feeling because I know it would break my partner's heart if he knew the extent of it.