AITAH for saying my coworker had single child syndrome and not being willing to rectify our issues to make her feel better at work

(Throw away account)

I (30F) had a friend / coworker we will call J, for over 15 years. During that time, we had one major falling out after my ex-fiancé passed away. My ex and I had a complicated relationship, I did not get along with his family. After he passed in a car accident, I decided to do a memorial service instead of going to the funeral. J was supposed to come with me, but the morning of, she said she was too hungover. We argued, and I called her selfish, saying drinking was more important than supporting me. We stopped talking for about three years.

Eventually we reconnected and got close again. So close that J got me my current job.

After starting this job, I met a group of friends that I started to hang out with. This group and I started hanging out for about 6 months. Well J and I planned to go to a festival. Unfortunately a friend in this new friend group passed away after a week in the hospital. He was 22 at this time. The funeral was being held in his hometown 4 hours away, on the same day as the festival. I told J I would not be able to attend, to which she got upset because "I have only known this person for a few months why am I going when we had plans prior." This really bothered me- Someone literally died and I felt it was important to support my other friends and pay my respects.

Things started to get strained at work as well. J and I are heads of 2 different departments. Issues were getting brought to my attention that were not my department and I would let my manager know. J got upset and stated I should give her an opportunity to fix the issue, before going to the bosses. I was understanding about this.

Two months later I was on vacation and got an email from J about an issue in my department and both my bosses were CC on the email. I immediately texted J and explained that she asked a specific kind of respect out of me, however she does not give me the same respect. The conversation escalated and I stated I was only telling her that I felt she does not care about how I feel. Her response? "I don't" This is when we stopped talking

I remained cordial at work but decided I needed friends that respected me and understood when things happen. Keep in mind this is about the time I started to plan my wedding.

During the planning, we had some major life issues arise. My dad got a cancer diagnosis, and I spent time out of work in the hospital with him. My dog started having issues and we were in and out of the vet. J never reached out despite everyone at work knowing what I was dealing with.

Despite all of this J still got an invite to my wedding because I could not imagine the day without her and I did not want to regret not inviting her later. We had a small family-only ceremony, but she was invited to the reception. She never RSVP’d, didn’t attend the bachelorette party, and never acknowledged the wedding at all. This was about seven months ago.

At work, two coworkers (N and R) wanted to switch offices. R prefers a dark office due to headaches, while N had an office with a large window. I have a Vitamin D deficiency and take high-dose supplements, so I offered to trade my dark office for the window office. Everyone—N, R, and management—agreed.

When the move was announced, J was upset and said she should have been asked since she had been there longer. N felt bad, so I told her not to worry and said J has “single child syndrome”—her parents always spoiled her, and she tends to expect to get what she wants.

FYI the new office shares a connecting door with J’s office. On moving day, another coworker (T) helped me set up and suggested putting a small table in front of the connecting door. I agreed since the door wouldn’t be used.

Later, I found out J had told another coworker (K) that she heard me talking badly about her to T (which didn’t happen—if anything, she may have overheard what I said to N about single child syndrome). She said it upset her so much she had a breakdown after work. Apparently, she thinks I hate her and says she misses our friendship.

K wants to talk to J and explain why I’m hurt, but honestly, I feel done. I think if J truly cared about our friendship, she had many opportunities to show it and never did—even when we were still close.

So, AITA for saying she has “single child syndrome” and not wanting to fix things just to make her feel better at work?