No one tells you how hard it is to raise other children when you’re alienated from one

My first born is 13. His father was very abusive. We had a custody agreement in place before I moved with my family back to Michigan where all our extended family lives. Including my elderly parents. My ex has remarried and a successfully alienated me from our son since Aug of 2018. I’ve spent thousands on lawyers & court fees. He doesn’t follow any rules or orders. He’s blocked me and everyone i know on every single platform. His family is afraid to be cut off so they don’t give me any information.

My 8 year old is the best thing in my life. He deserves such a happier mom. He doesn’t understand I don’t feel that I’m worthy of him & his love.m because I don’t have any control over the alienation whatsoever with his brother. I have an entire wall in my living room dedicated to my older son. I have a tattoo of a letter with his name saying m wish you were here. I wrote in journals when I’m really struggling. My little boy is confused why he doesn’t get to have a brother. Living without a living child is the closest thing to hell on earth.

Today I will do my best to live in the moment with my little boy. I won’t show my guilt or sadness. Both men boys deserve me & each-other. I love them both equally but can’t express how much my older son’s absence has affected me without crying. My husband and son deserve more of me. Not just half of me. Each child a woman has means a separate heart for each. One of my hearts is absolutely broken and the other is sad because I feel like a failure. How does everyone else cope with child raising when they are alienated from a child?