not sure if this even counts

i’m posting on here for advice, because i’ve told this story before, and people keep telling me that this is just me regretting it, not s/a, or that i’m making things up. if it’s actually not that serious, i apologize in advance for discrediting real s/a victims with my story.

this happened when i was 16 (FtM) with my boyfriend at the time, who i stopped seeing recently. this was also before i started using a chest binder. we were sitting on his couch, home alone, and we had mostly been talking, the occasional kiss, that sort of thing. eventually he asked me if he could ‘try something’. i dumbly said yes, not expecting it to be anything sexual, because we hadn’t been doing anything too sexual up until that point.

he proceeded to pull down my tank top and bra and started sucking on my chest. this is where it’s possibly my fault—i didn’t push him off or suddenly tell him to stop. i just froze. i stared at him while it was happening, wordlessly, and i just sat there. i remember it was hurting my chest a lot, and how disgusted i was by the feeling of his mouth, and i want to be clear that if i was fully informed i would have said no. but i can see why people would put it on me for saying yes without knowing.

for a few months, i didn’t think about it, and when i did, i pushed it down because we were still together. now that we aren’t, when i think about it, i just zone out and debate if he would do something like that. nobody else in my life knows because i don’t want to ruin their perception of him, especially because i’m also a victim of grooming and my friends are very defensive over me regarding that sort of thing. but i could be completely over exaggerating and I’d love to know if that’s the case. i’ll likely delete this if or when i get answers; thank you for reading