On the outside I’m a successful person with a steady job and perfect relationship. Behind closed doors I am a drug addict and a cheat

I’ve spent the last few years showing everyone how great I’ve become and all the adversities I’ve overcome. I come from a bad home, Ive struggled with a personality disorder my whole life. For the last five years I’ve been steadily climbing the corporate ladder, and taking all the congratulations that come with it. My family, friends and husband think I kicked the drugs years ago. I haven’t.

I am a regular cocaine user, I can’t cope without it. It’s my outlet after a stressful day and I don’t know how to be sober. I’ve tried everything, I quit cold turkey, I detoxed, I got better hobbies, I tried exercise but nothing compares to it. I’ve spent my entire life savings on it. I don’t want to say it controls me, but every time I have a bad day it’s the first thing I think of.

I’ve been told by everyone around me that they’re so proud of me for how far I’ve come and the job I’ve got. My parents are constantly telling their friends that their kid is a big shot now and is doing so well and has come so far from the problem child I was in my teens. I have pretty much stayed the problem child but I’ve hidden it. I get myself into stupid risky situations constantly. I slept with someone higher up in the company who then gave me the job. I did somewhat get here due to hard work and being recognised for it, but I can’t sit and safely say that me sleeping with one of the bosses didn’t have a hand in it. I am also still in love with this boss but I can’t do anything about it. I am good to my husband and I love him a lot, but I am constantly thinking about my boss and the what if?

So here I am, writing this reddit post and hiding something that is gnawing at me. I can’t let anyone know I relapsed and then never tried to fix it. I can’t let anyone know my achievements are worth nothing. Thanks for reading, and never do drugs or sleep with your boss. It’s not worth this constant charade.