death haunts me

so, this is just something that I've been holding in for so long and I'm unable to let this go. every person that gets close to me dies. first it happened with my best friend, she shot herself with her dad's service gun and I was one of the first responders to the scene, seeing her lifeless body and the blood pooling around it. I can never forget that Metallica stench of blood mixed with gun powder smell. I somehow suppressed this in my system for so long but seeing such a thing happen with my girlfriend just haunted me even more. she died on my birthday due to heart failure, I got to know about it in the middle of the party that my friends threw for me. I had to see 2 back-to-back funerals that week. while my girlfriend died, my grandfather's health also deteriorated very quickly, we had to take him off of life support as it was too painful to keep him alive. I still remember patting his cold, bald head before we loaded him onto the bier. it's been too much man, I've gotten incredibly close to these 2 girls but this pattern of people dying is keeping me up at night. I don't know what to do and I'm incredibly paranoid. this ain't a cry for help, I'm in therapy and on medication but I just needed to get something off my chest