Auditioning for the role of partner

For the 9 months I was ‘dating’ my avoidant - I felt like I was continually auditioning for the role of his girlfriend.

Often I would feel safe and adored / but I would also feel like he had a fresh roster he was also constantly auditioning. It was exhausting - walking on eggshells so as to not upset him and lose my top spot. Also - he sent so many reels - I would get tired trying to keep up with him. I could tell when I took breaks - he moved down the list.

He would disappear for 2-3 days a week - every week - without notice or explanation.

When he returned - he was crazy active online. I was often the person he reached to - but toward the end - he would leave me unread. All while posting stories and communicating with others.

My father and cat both passed within two days of each other. I was stressed out and not doing good and a had a passive aggresive temper about him leaving my messages in read while he woke up at 6 to repost a still active story. To be honest - I felt jealous that he was likely signalling to one of the many women he actively chatted with online. He said he still really liked me alot and that there was no one else - then he abruptly ghosted me and hasn’t read or responded to a message since. I can see he’s very active online - just not with me.

I wonder if anyone else feels the same way I did? Like you are constantly auditioning for the role instead of just relaxing into a relationship?

Of course - I’ve been physically ill thinking I ruined things with my temper :( but I just don’t see how he can’t have compassion for what I was going through. I hadn’t slept in two days and I was working all day..

It’s clear it’s over. He’s not the type to reach out. He ends every relationship by ghosting the offending person. I know I should feel like I dodged a bullet / maybe someday i will.