Should you always be concerned if your partner is hurt or upset?

I’m asking this because I genuinely don’t know what is “normal.” I’ve been through so many therapists, some good and some terribly misguided, pop psychology therapy talk is rampant on social media, I’ve had strings of really bad partners, and I’m a generally anxious person who’s very hard on myself and too much of a people pleaser.

My boyfriend has a habit of being what I perceive as really harsh, withdrawn, and avoidant when I get upset and he deems my emotions unreasonable or unworthy. I don’t get upset by much but I respond terribly to being told I’m not doing well enough or trying hard enough when I know I am, and my boyfriend will tell me I’m making up lies, crying and creating drama over nothing, withdraw and completely change his communication with me when he doesn’t want to hear how I feel.

I don’t expect to be “right” all of the time but I’m just astounded my boyfriend doesn’t see my pain and want to make it better. He wants me to shut up or go away and stop being dramatic. I’m confused because I can understand maybe I come on too strong once I get worked up or maybe he doesn’t understand why I’m upset at first, but I don’t know why he does things that clearly agitate me and make it worse rather than try and de-escalate and work with me. Should that always be your goal with your partner? I know anytime he’s upset with me, even if I don’t agree, I try and calmly work through it with him and respectfully disagree while still supporting him. He ignores me and dismisses me and it blows the original problem up into so much more than it ever was.

We’re 29 and 34. He used to do this to me very frequently and it broke me. We broke up for some time and came back together and it was months of better conflict resolution and him actually listening to me and us moving through things rather than letting them linger. I was so hopeful and now this pattern has reemerged. So wonder if I am just truly unreasonable this time, or if he’s a man child that won’t ever really change, or some combo of the two.

Therapy is not an option for me right now so I appreciate this space to voice my mind in the meantime and welcome any advice besides the obvious of go to therapy. I know everyone can benefit from it, it’s just not an option for me right now for various reasons. Thank you