I feel guilty I can't get people good presents anymore.

My physical and mental health has been on a speedy decline for over a year now. I'm constantly in some form of physical pain, with no help from doctors as they don't believe the true extent of it despite me fighting for them to just listen.

I lost my job because I couldn't provide a diagnosis or explanation for why I couldn't turn in many days, and for the days I did turn in I was constantly making mistakes and becoming slower and slower. They told me they don't hire sick people right before telling me they were firing me.

Now I can't afford things as much anymore. I just sit at home now, scrolling constantly for jobs and having to lie about any health issues. Yes, I can stand on my feet for long periods of time and yes I can carry heavy objects. When in reality, I can't do that anymore. I could only a year ago.

It feels after every holiday, birthday whatever there's another thing coming up that someone needs a present for. I don't even have my friends of over a decade anymore because they left me at my lowest, calling me "too negative" yet I still feel this pressure of gifts. I feel it for my partner the most. He's always been an avid gift giver and has the money for it still, but I just can't reciprocate it.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I look like I don't love him enough. I feel like I look like I'm making no effort. I even try to make my gifts now from scratch with what I have. Drawing, painting, making things out of clay, crochet. But even that takes the energy out of me and I'm in this constant cycle of feeling not good enough and being in pain so then I feel like I can't move from my bed. I stare at all the unfinished things in my house that have been overdue for months.

Sometimes I consider cutting people off so I don't have to feel this guilt anymore. Everybody I bring this issue up to though tells me they don't expect anything back but I find that incredibly hard to believe. Even if I make something and get it to them on time, nobody seems thrilled by anything I create. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry that this is so long. Thank you if anybody reads it.