Help me accept and understand the fact that my SO hooked up with a Viking God

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my beautiful girlfriend (46, i am 38 and we had a 5 year relation) cheated on me last year on a trip, to an old fling of her that happened to be there,, the guy is just incredibly hot and tall (im not the worst myself but he is just beyond).. and charismatic etc

and it was very traumatic, i discovered he fucked her for hours late night after drinking at the bar,,

we fought soo much, many things happened, she lied, i discovered by someone else, and found out my girlfriend is actually very sassy..

we broke up for months because of this, ruined my life..

well, i started to move on (and also found incredible hours long sex) and the minute she found out i was with someone she came to me and said she loved me soo much, that she feels bad about what happened and want us to try again (i am very confused and have severe trust issues where I question if she really likes me or just the comfortable life I fought for us). we had some other problems etc..

well,, the deal is just that I dont know if I feel for her anymore, i keep thinking about her with the other guy when we try to have sex,, and how he pleased her beyond this world.. we tried getting back but im ill because of all this..

i would be inclined for an open relation,, but I just find my partner a liar and that she plays with me (tells many different stories, doesnt know how to be sincere and how to deal with all this as well - she might love me very much but for sure she didnt regret hooking up with the hot guy for hours)

soo is like, how to digest all this in a healthy way? i understand that is nature and part of us, so i better accept all this (even though I still think it was very bad that she lied and felt super entitled after the trip - starting to even treat me bad or not knowing how to deal with her new found "joy" of life)

but i am afraid the guy might have ruined her sexually, and now I want to hear from girls.. like,, she perhaps thinks of the other guy when she is with me?? How girls deal with multiple lovers? I feel stupid even though I am a free lover spirit and have my lust on other girls as well.. is just that is hard to understand everything..

and we got to a point where we hurt each other so much because of all this that it is hard to have an honest talk about everything..

i dont know,, is just that maybe I would rather be the other guy that fucks other people's sexy wifes, than being the stupid beta who has to accept the wife being moaned by a huge guys dick while she has multiple orgasms..

i mean, i cant blame her for this right?? how to deal with all this as a non monogamic relation?, how you guys do it?? and like,, son a Birch.. I would like to fuck a Goddess too and maybe have somewhat a part in what happened with her (she doesnt want to share the details)..

ahhh, it really almost ruined my life and I am trying hard to have a grip in all this, currently we are separated, somewhat trying to get back, and I am obsessed with all this to a point I cant function anymore..

please help me guys

lovee