What choice do I make.

The sayings that go like "being number 1 means being odd" or "being first means being alone" are true.

Something that I have understood about myself is that I will never get personal success. I mean this in the sense of- anytime I have felt happy personally and joyful, I have always had worse health and worse grades. (I'm still in high-school). Whenever my health, skills, goals, and grades, were all successful and on good track, I have never been near happiness. Success to me means isolation, constant reflection, growth, and sacrifice. I sacrifice my life energy.

I lose my ability and willingness to socialize. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to be polite on the street, I don't want anything or ever am hungry for anything but my goals. I convince myself nobody truly cares for me, and my life to others is valued based on what I provide for them or how I make them feel. I stop dressing up for school, and go just in what's comfortable. Whenever I think I like somebody even as a friend I convince myself I'm nothing to them, and I make myself hate them.

I am just angry and all I want to dominate and hurt. (IN BOXING. I forgot to mention I(previously, as I haven't consistently since my amateur match last year) box)). I want nothing to do with anybody.

Now, and previously understood, when it comes to personal happiness it means tucking away my reflection and questioning. I tuck away my anger. I dress up more, I socialize with everybody and I'm kind. I start liking more people and trying. I also gain weight and become unsatisfied with my appearance. (I've gained 40lbs since my lowest last year. April 155 stick skinny - September 170-175 decent, insecure - March 190-195 visibly larger, insecure). I dont hate my appearance, I have more strength and muscle, and it's comfortable, but it's not my best. Being happy means sacrificing success, losing apart of me. Losing the anger I thought I grew into. Losing the sport that glued me together when I thought I was doomed. It means Losing a piece ofintersection.

Both sides of the coin are apart of the same coin but they'll never meet or see eachother. Parallel lines dont intersect. By this I mean I can't find myself to be whole, and I cant decide which i want. Success sounds so appealing. Its a version of me that is desired, not one that desires. Its a version of me that is lonely but focused.

I remember being asked what movie I liked. I told them I didnt want movies. They asked me what TV show I watched. I said I didnt watch TV. They then asked me if I played video games. I told them I didnt. They asked if I read books. I told them I also didnt. They asked if I watched tiktok. I told them rarely. They asked me if I hung out with friends. I told them not often. They asked me what I did. I didnt have an answer. All I did was think, and my sport. I was so obsessed with the scale and cutting for boxing I weighed myself 4 times a day. Nothing mattered to me but the ability to dismantle someone else and become stronger. My philosophy is that If I could do that, Id be more confident. If I could beat you, you had to respect me.

What am I getting at? Get to it.

I don't know what I want. Should I sacrifice my social life for one of success, looks, skills, achievements, and growth, or should I be a joyful person who puts that version of themselves behind themselves and just tries to be happy.

Its easy to say both is possible; and that it isn't just black and white. But for me my focus can only go one way. Help me out.