i feel bad but i’m still angry

abuse affects me in the weirdest ways when i’m going to be on my period. because i become crueler in ways i’m normally not. might be because of PMDD as well. but um… today i told him “i don’t give a fuck about how you feel or what day it is.”

today’s his late mom’s bday. this man has been pretty evil to me; if you recognize my account, you’ll know his violence includes strangling me, hitting me, slapping me, punching me, holding me hostage, stealing hundreds of dollars from me, pointing a gun at me, and much .. much more. i just got overwhelmed and angry about him fixating about me being triggered on his mom’s birthday by him being abusive, and i got angry because he’s had me crying on every birthday i’ve had since i’ve been with him (& quite frankly i’m still alive to feel some type of way about it).

but. i still feel bad. i didn’t really mean what i said as in i didn’t care about his mom or anything but more like… why am i expected to have so much sensitivity and tenderness for you when you don’t return it and in spite of how he treats/treated me. i was angry that i am never treated with any amount of consideration or regard about how things make me feel. but i’m supposed to hold so much of a space for him and his trauma. while he actively traumatizes me.

it’s almost like his mom is a trigger for me. anytime i cried because he abused me, he used to shut me down by saying “my mom died, get over it, this is little shit. it’s not even that bad. you’re overreacting. you’re a crybaby.” and it made me start to really resent his mom’s death. like god i wish you didn’t fucking die ONLY so th at i wouldn’t have to be guilt tripped with it. i get punished as if i fucking killed you!