Was I the problem?

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives. I’m still trying to make sense of what happened, even after 10 months, because the breakup felt very sudden and confusing.

I (31F) was in a relationship for almost 8 years with my ex (31M). We were long distance for most of it but made it work, and over time things became very serious. He was actually the one who brought up marriage, talked about moving in together, engagement rings, and even future kids.

There were some patterns that confused me throughout the relationship.

He often said he was “fine” even when something was clearly bothering him. If I asked what was wrong, he would say he didn’t know or that he didn’t want to think about it. He also randomly and occasionally suffered from chest tightness or difficulty breathing (which he said existed even before our relationship) but never really explored it further.

During conflicts, he sometimes withdrew in ways that felt extreme (for example, telling me not to contact him until he felt better). At other times, he later said he had been “holding things in” for a long time and that he had given me “hints” of what he wanted.

Around 5 years into the relationship, while we were staying at an Airbnb in our home country, he suddenly said he needed “time,” left me there alone, and went home. After about 1.5 months, he reached out again, but instead of working things through, he initially suggested that it might be better to end the relationship even though he initially told me that the “time” was for reflection and organizing our thoughts, NOT a break up. When I tried to talk through it, he later said he had been scared, and we ended up reconciling. After that, I continued encouraging open communication and he agreed and said he’d try. Later he said himself that we had overcome that incident well.

A major turning point was a conflict involving his family issue which started 2 years ago. To give some context, his father was (and as far as I know, still is) also facing serious legal issues at the time (criminal charges related to large-scale financial fraud involving multiple victims). I didn’t feel comfortable with what his father had done to people, but I didn’t reject his family. I expressed concern about how this might affect our future and wanted to understand boundaries.

At first, he said he understood my concerns, but he often avoided discussing it further. At times, he reacted strongly and said things like “This won’t f**** end until my father is dead,” and “I won’t beg you to stay. I can find someone who will understand my family situation.” I was just trying to express concern, not rejection, but I felt that my concerns were being interpreted as criticism. I ended up apologizing and eventually stopped bringing it up to avoid conflict.

Although I felt scared and overwhelmed, I chose to stay and support him, and I even started seeing a therapist to better understand how to navigate the situation in a healthy way. I never blamed him for his father’s action. If I didn’t want to try to “understand” his situation, I could have just ended everything and simply leave. I didn’t because I loved him that much. He even said he can get through anything if I am by his side, and I trusted him.

A month before our breakup, we had a conflict involving his mother and brother. I expressed that I felt anxious about meeting them, partly due to insecurity about comments his mother had made about my appearance and concerns about their views on the family situation. I asked for more time before meeting them, but he reacted strongly and said something along the lines of “who are you to judge my family.” I again assumed I was in the wrong and apologized. We reconciled, and after that, he was the one who suggested we go look at engagement rings, which we actually did.

A few weeks before the breakup, he had an emergency travel to our home country due to a serious family situation (his grandmother, who raised him, was very ill and later passed away). I supported him from far and we continued talking normally. He even talked about wanting to show our photos to our future kids someday. What confuses me the most is what happened next. Then less than 12 hours after saying all those lovey dovey things, he suddenly said he needed space, and a few days later he ended the relationship over the phone while crying uncontrollably as if someone was forcing him to do this.

He said:

- he gave it a lot of thought

- he wanted a life where he could prioritize his family

- the relationship had started to feel like a “burden” at times

- he said he felt pressured about not visiting his father in jail, even though I had not expressed any expectations about that. In fact, I wasn’t even aware that his father was back in jail..

This was extremely shocking because just hours before, he was talking about our future.

After the breakup, I also noticed confusing behavior:

- he checked my social media repeatedly for a while, then stopped

- months later, he searched for things connected to me (videos, memories, etc.)

- his behavior seemed to alternate between distancing and revisiting memories

From what I know, he may have started seeing someone else not long after the breakup (like a month or two), but that situation also seems unclear now.

I’m trying to understand:

- Does this pattern look like avoidant behaviour? Is he close to FA or DA?

- Was I too critical / created too much pressure, especially regarding his family? We were talking about building a future together. Was I wrong to wanting to talk about the boundaries we need for our own family?

- Would this have not happened if I had been more perfect and understanding?

I’m genuinely trying to take accountability for my part, but I’m confused because things felt unresolved/unfinished, and I did try to create space for open and honest communication.

Please.. any insight would really help. Thank you.