I’m unsure what to do

Every time I talk about stuff like this i’m met with the same 3 things, people telling me I’m an adult so I don’t have to go through this anymore, people sending me the DIY HRT website link, and “that’s rough buddy” so i’m sure that’s the only things i’ll get from this now, but I feel the need to be more transparent about my situation

So when I was about 8 or 9, I was caught getting groomed on an app and when my dad came home that day he locked me in my room with him and strangled me while shouting sexually degrading terms at me, i didn’t know what any of them meant. He was on drugs at the time and has since gotten off of them and “changed”, but he’s still verbally abusive so I refuse to talk to him unless I just have to.

Now you know my dad is capable of harm

He has told me if i ever bring up trans bs again he’ll make it so I don’t have any contact to the outside world again and can’t get a job. I haven’t talked about it when he’s home.

When i try to talk to my mom about my dysphoria and the fact I need testosterone, she shuts me down, yells over me, or attempts to use my dad as a weapon. She tells me she’s gonna call him. She sees my own problems as a personal attack against her.

I can’t drive. They’re holding my college funds from me. I don’t have anyone around me who isn’t against people like me, a small price to pay for being born with gender dysphoria in the deep south. I almost feel dead, i feel like they killed me without actually physically killing me. I’m not allowed to be myself or i’m gonna lose contact with the world, if i conform to it I’ll kill myself. Right now my life is paused completely because i’m not sure which is the better option. Both options end up with me losing in the end. I can’t run away either because if I do where would I run? I live in the damn woods.