I get a LOT of DMs (direct messages/chat) here on Reddit. All can be summed up into two themes: where do I find people to play with, and how do I decide who to play with? You will note I always use the term "play," as I promote and believe in recreational sex. I personally hate the term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)—but I will save that for another post.

My approach shifts the focus away from rigid, rule-based checklists and instead asks: Does this sexual connection bring about wholeness, justice, and the 'fruits of the Spirit' for everyone involved? Viewing recreational sex through this lens shifts the concept away from traditional purity culture. When you have been taught for years that the body is deceitful and sexual desire is a trap, learning to trust your physical intuition can feel like learning a foreign language. To actually apply this "Theology of Embodiment" in real life, it helps to break down exactly what we mean by feeling "expansive" versus feeling "diminished," because the body speaks in physical sensations before the mind catches up.

Recognizing the Body's Signals

When evaluating a potential partner or partners, your body acts as a theological sounding board. Here is what to look for when discerning if an attraction is rooted in mutual flourishing or if it is grounded in anxiety, trauma, or unhealthy conditioning:

The "Expansive" Connection (The Divine Yes) When an attraction is healthy and spiritually aligned, your nervous system generally feels safe.

• Physiological Cues: Your breathing is steady, your shoulders drop, and you feel grounded in your physical space.
• Emotional Cues: You feel a sense of curiosity, playfulness, and peace. You do not feel the need to perform or hide parts of your personality.
• Relational Impact: The attraction makes you want to connect more deeply with the world around you. It feels like an addition to your life, not a distraction from it.

The "Diminished" Connection (The Warning Sign) Sometimes, what we interpret as "intense chemistry" or attraction is actually our nervous system going into overdrive due to anxiety, unpredictability, or a mirroring of past unhealthy dynamics.

• Physiological Cues: A tight chest, a fluttering or sinking feeling in your stomach, clenched jaw, or an inability to relax when you are with them or waiting for them to text.
• Emotional Cues: You feel an urgent need to secure their approval. You find yourself analyzing their every move, shrinking your own boundaries, or feeling a sense of dread alongside the excitement.
• Relational Impact: The attraction consumes you in a way that isolates you from your friends, your community, or your own center.

Reconnecting with Your God-Given Compass

If you want to actively use embodiment to pick the right partners, it requires a daily practice of befriending your own body first.

• Practice the "Pause": When you feel a spark of attraction, do not immediately act on it or suppress it. Just pause and observe it. Say to yourself, “I am experiencing attraction, and that is a healthy, God-given capacity.”
• Check in During the Date: While spending time with someone—either a couple or a solo male or female (unicorn)—take a brief moment (even if just excusing yourself to the restroom) to do a body scan. Are you tense? Are you breathing deeply? Are you comfortable taking up physical and emotional space while in this potential situation?
• Separate Intuition from Insecurity: If you feel anxious, ask yourself: Is this anxiety because this person is treating or might treat me poorly or inconsistently (a valid warning)? Or is this anxiety because I am scared of being vulnerable in a new, healthy situation (a wound healing)?

Your body is sacred ground. A partner worthy of participating in that space with you will naturally help your body feel like a place of rest, not a war zone.

The Core Metric: Mutual Flourishing

Once you learn to trust those physical cues, you can bridge your internal experience with the core metric of progressive Christian sexual ethics: mutual flourishing. When choosing who to participate in sexual behaviors with, this framework leans heavily on how the relationship impacts the humanity of both (or all) people involved. Rather than asking if a behavior breaks a specific, traditional biblical rule, you are invited to look directly at the real-world outcome of the sexual dynamic.

This is where the traditional "Fruits of the Spirit" test becomes a profoundly practical tool for modern dating and intimacy. You can evaluate the connection by asking: Does this dynamic produce love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? If a sexual relationship fosters deep respect, emotional safety, and joy, it is ethically sound and spiritually grounded. However, if it produces anxiety, manipulation, or feelings of being used—often echoing those "diminished" bodily signals—it falls short of honoring the divine spark within you both.

Radical Consent and Justice

More open Christian ethics are deeply intertwined with social justice, and this extends to the bedroom. A relationship must be non-exploitative.

• Agency and Equality: Picking the right person means choosing someone who honors your absolute agency and boundaries. Power dynamics must be acknowledged and navigated with care.
• Application: Pay attention to how a partner reacts to the word "no" or to moments of hesitation. A partner aligned with this ethic will view your consent not as a hurdle, but as a sacred requirement for intimacy.

Navigating "Person or Persons" (Recreational Sex Partners)

When it comes to picking the right "person or persons," it is important to acknowledge that while traditional Christianity strictly mandates monogamy, some progressive spaces are exploring how Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), Recreational Sex or Polyamory can intersect with Christian values.

• Honesty over Tradition: If you are exploring relationships with multiple people, the ethical burden actually increases. The Christian call to truth-telling, fidelity (which in this context means keeping your commitments rather than strict exclusivity), and love must be applied to all partners.
• Application: If considering multiple partners, the "right" people are those capable of radical transparency, high emotional intelligence, and who lack possessive jealousy. The goal is a community of care rather than a collection of conquests.