How do I make peace with myself?

I often feel unfulfilled—and I cannot find a way to be at ease with it.

I grew up in an upper-middle-class family in an Asian country. My parents came from humble backgrounds and worked hard to achieve their status, so money was always the main focus. My dad is an ambitious, strict man who taught us to work hard and be useful to society. Conversely, my mom felt sorry for us for studying so much, arguing that it was unnecessary since we were already wealthy.

I am the product of this conflict: I am competitive, but I will cut corners if I think I can get away with it. I studied hard just for grades, never understanding the 'why' behind it. After studying abroad in the USA, I got a job that my then-boyfriend (now husband) helped me secure, and I have stayed there for 20 years. While I started out ambitious, I realized I am not actually that good at my field, which has led to a stagnant career and feelings of being a failure compared to my dad.

Fast forward to today: I have two healthy kids, a comfortable, low-stress job (working from home), and a house, thanks to help from my in-laws. We live in a VHCOL area on a moderate income. I appreciate what I have, but I also feel like things have been too easy for me, and I don't deserve it. Because I am ambitious but feel incapable, I push that ambition onto my husband. He is smart, but like my mother, he is content with his career.

Now, with my kids, I am struggling. I want to discipline them the way my dad did, even though I hated it. I want them to work hard, but my husband represents the 'let them be' approach, which creates constant friction. For example, I ask them to fold laundry, he says it’s okay to stuff it in the drawers. I make them practice piano; he wants to drop the class when they cry. He avoids conflict with the kids, whereas I tend to be critical.

I feel like a 'bad mom' who forces her kids to do things they hate. I doubt myself constantly. Am I too hard on them? Am I stressing them out? I want to stop nagging them, but I fear they will become accustomed to an easy life and lose their discipline. I also struggle with depression stemming from low self-esteem and deep family conflicts. I don’t know what is right, or if I should follow my husband’s relaxed approach or continue pushing my kids.

Side note: After my mom passed, I tried to make up with my dad because, at the end of the day, he's still my dad and I didn't want both of us to suffer. However, I feel like it's greatly affecting my mental health. I call him once every week, but I dread it. He hurt me so much emotionally and he also tends to be very mean — he often insulted my mom and me. Yesterday, I called him and he said he bought gifts for my nieces and nephews (my brother's kids) in my home country for the upcoming trip. I instantly got emotional because he never buys anything for my kids. I send him videos of my kids and he just stays quiet. He favors my brother because he runs his business and because my brother never stood up against him over his infidelity. He was a big part of my depression. I feel like I always worked hard and sacrificed my own well-being for his approval, so having him call me unfilial for standing up to him really hurts. He's a narcissist, and I hate his guts. At the same time, I'm trying to let go of that, because hating someone only makes you suffer more. If I had my husband's personality, I wouldn't suffer as much. But I'm also a narcissist like my dad, so it bothers me so much more when he shows favoritism. My life is also full of conflict and I constantly feel lost. I have so many things I want to say to him so I can feel better, but I know it'll only get worse because he won't hear it. Sorry for the all-over-the-place rant — I just needed to vent.