I don't want to go the escort route to lose my virginity but I'm just over it.

I'm 24, and honestly... I really don't want to do this at all. really I don't, but I'm stressed out so I'm gonna vent about it, it's all I feel I can do atp.

I always wanted to do everything and experience everything with someone I genuinely cared about and felt shared love and trust with. But the older I get, the less common someone who has the same experience, or lack there of is, There isn't likely going to be a first with someone together, a shared deep personal memory, it being special and solely the other's as well. That's just not going to be on the table for most people I meet anymore. Statistically, I'm an outlier.

So yeah... I'm sad about it, very disappointed in myself, that I never tried hard enough sooner. I feel gross, and like even if I go through with this I won't be any more happy and just as bummed out, because I'm basically admitting defeat and waving the white flag and making a decision I can't reverse. Just to scratch this off the checklist for self validation.

I'm kind of autistic and have terrible OCD. I just can't socialize or make meaningful connections. I can't even make a friend, so how dumb I honestly feel to even think I can manage to have someone care about me on a deeper level than that, when I couldn't achieve something smaller, wishful thinking I guess.

I have no chance in my mind. I'm simply my own worst enemy, and I overthink everything to an extreme extent that brings me nothing but negative outcomes. I'm just not a normal person who's wired correctly to integrate into society successfully. 

That has led me to be very hard on myself all the time.

I feel genuine embarrassment about my situation and how bad I let it become. When I was 18, I told myself that since I didn't experience love in school, there was no way I'd be that guy at 20 with no experience. Then I hit 20. Told myself by 21... oh well, shit.. Now I'm 24, less than half a year away from 25. Same promises to myself, same failures, same guy.

I just want to knock this at least out of the way, one and done. Never think about it again and give up on any intimate thoughts or ideas for relationships. Just focus on myself and pretend it doesn't exist, because every day I worry myself to death about love. How I'm just not good enough mentally, physically, financially. But I crave it regardless. I'm human after all.

It's just not worth worrying about anymore. It's tearing at my soul and my heart every day. Not a day goes by where the loneliness doesn't slowly break me down as the hours fly by. I could knock this off the checklist so I don't have to feel like a complete fool and have this insecure thing on my mind anymore about being behind and being .. man I don't even know . 

I don't know how to end this. I'm just upset. I shouldn't be this dependent on others for my own happiness, or care about something like this, about being late. But there are so many men I read about who talk like me, and waited and waited, and then hit their 30s or 40s, never changed, im seeing all the time now guys just like me.. remained the same. I just don't think I can handle that. Oh well. Life has never been sunshine and rainbows. 

Maybe when I'm like in my 30s or some shit and I'm actually something I'll try again. 

But I can't handle the fight no more, not right now. 

I don't meet the criteria anywhere. 

Just rambling at this point, im checked out.