SA topic and my vent about it

When i was like a little kid something really bad happend in my childhood but i had no problem growing up but now its haunting me ,in the most disturbing way ever.I have really messed up toughts about my close ones i even had about religion and it's genuinely messing up to the point i tried hurting myself because of it. these toughts are about r**e or how i want to do it to someone else but i don't, it's fucking disgusting and it's like my abuser is still living trough me and i don't know what to do at this point because it's so random and it has been happening to me a lot and i can't open up to other people about it.