bulimia makes you lose time

hello! i've been struggling with eating my entire life, for as long as i can remember, but it was never as intense as it has been the last few years. it has been hell. i can't remember the last time i've actually had a normal and healthy day of eating without either b/p-ing, restricting, starving or binging. witout the consant fear of food.

i've not been b/p free for a long time now. something i've noticed is just how much time i lose because of bulimia. all days are the same. every day revolves around my eating disorder. precious hours are spent ruining my life by constantly b/p-ing. it genuinely scares me, it makes me feel incredibly useless and disgusting, i feel like a shell of a human with no genuine interests and hobbies. everything is about my eating disorder. EVERYTHING. it's always there.

i'm turning 18 soon and i'm so scared. i can't imagine how i'll survive adulthood when i spent hours upon hours on my ed. i literally cancel plans for it. i go to sleep extremely late because instead of prioritising schoolwork i come home and binge. my vacations at home are all spent b/p-ing. i've spent so much money on food i never got to properly digest. i've RUINED my ability to properly digest. everything for an eating disorder that's probably going to kill me. and worst of all i'm terrified of losing my ed. god

can anyone relate to being scared of just how much time goes towards bulimia?