Health

Untreated health

Throw away because whatever

I'm so exhausted

I grew up with a bipolar schizophrenic mother (unmedicated/no treatment at all) and a drug addict dad who would see demons when he did his meth. I never had a shot of a normal life since I was a baby. I'm 25 now and in terrible health. I am tired 24/7, I always hurt, I'm always dizzy, nauseous, anxious, depressed. Everything. I have so many health issues that I yearn to just feel good one single day. To not feel like I walk around with a fully water saturated winter jacket all of the time. I finally moved away from my mom about a year ago, and now that my body isn't constantly rushed with the adrenaline of living with her and being abused by her.. my body... is just tired. Ive been trying to get ahold of my physical and mental health for some time now, because its gone unlooked at for such a long time, now I have all of these problems I suffer with every day. I hate introducing myself to doctors. "Well, whats the problem?" I try to be brief with symptoms but I do warn I am dealing with a lot, and establishing care for essentially the first time. I let them know I dont expect to be treated all at once or go over it all in detail, but I just want it all on record first so it doesnt seem like I'm coming in with new problems every time. I get to list what I'm dealing with, and its always the same. They give me this.. look. The "Oh god here we go again" smile. I've worked in an Emergency Room before, and behind the scenes, I know exactly how dismissive doctors are. My biggest fear is just being told I'm a hypochondriac or something. My mental isn't great with my mom being the way she is since I could speak, so I am not great with social interactions, and I just seem very antsy all the time, feeling someone is mad. I can't even have doordashers knock at my door, I lie and say I have a sleeping baby please dont knock, just because my PTSD freaks me out when I hear random noises. My body, my mind, its such a hard life to just carry on with. For once in my whole life I want to feel okay. Normal. Not even great, just okay. Okay enough to not spend several hours to get out of bed. Okay enough to do laundry even once a week. Im exhausted. I have a lot of cancers/auto immune diseases run in my close family. I haven't been diagnosed with anything physical yet. Half the time they only run a few very basic labs, and look no further in at all. There is no follow up, no prodding. No trying to really listen and get it down to figure out what test needs to be done. I hear about these miracle doctors that are with their patients every step of the way. And I havent met one that hasnt given me that smile. That "You just need to lose weight" smile (Ive lost 145 lbs and feel the exact same), the "you need to drink more water" smile (I keep water on me at ALL times and RARELY drink anything else). The sarcastic fake customer service smile. And I can't say a thing about it. I'm so tired. I just want to feel okay, not in so much pain. Not in my own head all the time. Ive tried so many times and I feel ive lost hope at a normal life. I feel I'll just be in bed forever.

As I typed this, I read my clinical documentation from a doctor I reached out to for the first time. I said I will sometimes take my prescribed clonzepam for anxiety attacks, not frequently. he didnt ask the exact amount. The notes say "benzodiazepine dependace with essentially daily use". I am in shock. ive worked within Healthcare for many years and putting something like that on my chart is insane. I said it was infrequent at best. To put essentially daily.. im. wow. and a dependace. I feel so disgusting. im never going to get help. (Ive already asked for it to be reviewed and taken off)

Thanks for listening.