My relationship with my mother has been doomed ever since it started, and I need clarity

Content warning: Potential abuse (Verbal, physical), Panic attacks, Self harm (Sort of)

Sorry for bad grammar, i am not in the right headspace right now. Sorry if I sound incoherent too

For context,I am a 16 year old male with mild autism and ADHD. I don't know whether that helps give clarity or not but I thought I would mention it anyways. Me and my mother never got along. I would freak out all the time and she would beat me and hurl insults at me like "Shoytan" (Bangla word for the devil) and adjectives like "Heartless" "Narcissist" "Sociopath" ever since I was born. Most of the times she hit me were when I was a small child and slap her (Admittedly it was wrong of me and I feel deep shame for it). She had the physical advantage over me due to me being a small child. I will admit, I did not react well. Some days when I was a preteen, I would curse her out and she would hit me. She would always hurl threats at me to make me homeless or kick me out or breaking or threatening to break my things. I understand that she has some mental issues, I love her, but I can't excuse this. Today we got into an argument because I lied to her about where I was. I shouldn't have done that, I Agree. We got into an argument where we both said some nasty things to each other, with her being more extreme. She said that I was a heartless monster who will die alone because I have no heart. Thing is, I have proven that to be false. I provided comfort to her when some family died. I provided support for my friends who lost family or were in troubled situations. It's just when she calls me all these things I'm a monster. She said that I will never succeed with love because I was evil. She's partially right, when I was younger, I was cold to my partners at the time. However as I matured I learned proper communication and empathy. She says that she sacrificed her life to me, thus I must be grateful for her. Thing is, I am. I just don't know how to show happiness towards something consistent. She called me hideous for my scars from me tearing apart my own skin when I was eleven. I understand that she had a different life than me, growing up with an abusive father, but I can't condone her lack of accountability for not ending the cycle. I just want to have a more reasonable outlook from someone who knows better than I do.