Feeling like I’m not sure how to move forward

I was raped four times between September and December of 2024. I knew I was uncomfortable with what was happening every time, but I couldn’t acknowledge to myself what had happened and convinced myself it was what I wanted and I was misunderstanding my own feelings, misinterpreting what had happened. It resulted in a year of substance abuse, getting into a toxic relationship where I thought “well, he’s not physically hurting me”, and spiraling deeply back into my eating disorder. I’ve been out of the toxic relationship for a while and have been working with my therapist of several years on my eating disorder. We are really starting to make progress, and as I’ve gotten better, it’s felt like the reality that I got raped has finally kicked in.

It was always there somewhere in my mind, but I convinced myself I was imagining it or that I had made it up. I understand now that it was real, and the things that happened after I stopped seeing him were attempts to avoid coping with that reality, but now I just don’t know where to go. Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you tell yourself? Was there anything others told you that was helpful? I finally told my therapist about it last night, and the first person I told was a good friend about a month ago, and I’m relieved to have it off my chest, but now I have this information, and no clue what to do with it.