20F - Cheated on my bf (20M) out of rage

My bf and I have been together for a few years and it hasn’t always been very steady. We have had our good times but also volatile ones. A few weeks ago, the bad times were getting more consistent and I needed to take break from him. I didn’t know what to do. I was also ovulating at the same time so there were a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to make him upset but also needed physical satisfaction. So, I did what I thought I would never do. I texted my sleazy neighbor (32M). He has a history of being very out there when dm-ing the women in his building, and I was one of them. I don’t know what made me text him, but I was enjoying the filth. He told me the things he always wanted to do to me. While in any other time, it would put me off, but that night it made me wet. And then he sent an invitation to his apartment with a d***k pic, and he was very well endowed. So I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I snuck out of the apartment late at night so that my roommate didn’t see me and I went to his apartment. And he really did fulfill all his promises. I think, and I’m not exaggerating, that was probably the dirtiest sex I have ever had in my life. He used me like he was trying to get me pregnant. It was so messy and there were bodily fluids everywhere. He encouraged me to just let it all out and I squirted without feeling guilty. He looked into my eyes while fucking me with the same look he used to give to make me uncomfortable. But this time it was just turning me on even more. I hated to admit how sexy he was at that night. The guilt of cheating went away. All I could think of was how lucky I was to kiss and fuck him. He didn’t let me go that night after the first round. He convinced me to stay back and we had multiple rounds that night. I even ignored calls from my bf. After we were done, it finally dawned on me that I did a bad thing and the guilt was killing me and I swore to myself this won’t happen again. Of course, I was wrong. Because I kept going back to him every night because I have never experienced sex like this before. It felt like a drug. So primal. So nasty. The thought of it made my legs tremble. My bf and I are fine again, but I could never tell him my secret. I love my bf, and I don’t love the other guy. But I can’t stop going back to him. I don’t know what I am going to do.