upset rant

deleted a bunch of my accounts. i wrote this. i wanted to upload it again anyway because it seemed like the most ive let out and it seems valuable i guess. ihope someone could relate to me.

sorry for the typos. i dont care to correct them or anything.

i cant shake this feeling that everything,in allsituations, will inevitably end up the same as before or jsut worse. that my fate is sealed alreaady to froerver be like this, even though i knwo that my teenage years are to end anyway. i guess its hard for me to imagine a future outside of my childhood,even if it wasnt much of a childhood to begin with. and speaking of imagining things i cant imagine a scenario where i lose anything like virginity willingly. i think id rather die if i did. feels like i llose a vital piece of myself wehn i think about doing it. its disturbing,uncomfortable, but i still cant shake the sexual thoughts. i feel insatiable. i am insatiable. so its a loop of just disdain. disdain forwhat? i dont know exactly.

i dont believe i could ever be comfortable with someone so intimately agani lol

The one time i did try, i ended p getting sexualyl assaulted anyway so...............yeah. and he was my age too so fuck that lol. it really is everyone.

what shakes me is that in spite of all th is i keep talking. i fele the urge to just leave btu i dont. never do. i think hwwat scares me the most is that i know if i do i'll be lonely. idont have much of a life outside fo this. i know ill be alone. being alone sucks because i think a lot about the past and such. if people my age gett over my physical unattractiveness thing, talking to any normal people gets the same response:
>youre confusing
>you babble
>youre so odd
>so weird
>i dont understand you
or theu jsut judge. something something hahagh

the dilemma is:Would you rather drown in an ocean full of creepy older guys who will act like they 'love' you (only really to just get ur nudes or to potentialyl get in ur pants), or would you rather die of thirst in a desert with no one to love you and to come to terms with everything ?? theres no risk but yourself.

i jest

i dont know what im talking about really, so disregard everything, but i post this becaus it is my one outlet. i dont talk to anyone. ive been out of treatment for a ocuple years. i did shortly go into some treartmntem, but proved my thought that you realyl cant trust these people and they dont or wont feel any sympathy or empathy for you besides the "uh huh?" "i'm so sorry about that" fffffhhhhhhhghhfffffffffi its so insinscere

i remembere, me at 14, it was my last appointment with a particular therapist, and i told her i didnt think i would ever get over him, and that i was going to look for him in everyone. and she just smiled at me . i froget how she responded, but it was quitea polite response. but what irritates me now, is that she never ever ever pushed back on my ideas on him . and for that i somewhat blame her. After that appt, i went to the goodwill right next to that office and bought a jacket that reminded me of the clothes he would wear. and i slept with it by my side for like a year. its tsill in my closet

no one .cares too much, and im the same, so i cannot complain much, but i do. people complain abotu a lot of things and only really would like to talk about their own issues unless listening to yours benefits them inn a way like how an old man would listen to your issues and then ask for favors. its a transaction. its a business and im working up the corporate ladder

grooming ruined my life. the initial situation wasnt even that bad but it spiraled into so much other things. so yes, it ruined my life.

everything is a joke