tw: >!mentions of unaliving !<

My dad has been emotionally dependent on me for my entire life. He would tell me everything on his mind, including things that I as a child/teenager should not have heard. Every time I felt like something was wrong and brought it up to him he denied putting me in that position because “he never asked me to do that.” Yet I got rewarded for validating him at every turn, listening to all his troubles, including complaining about my mom (they were and are still married). And if I pulled away my boundaries would be crossed. After picking me up from school, would drive a longer route just to get to talk with me longer. Even when I would say “no no no” because I was an angsty teenager and wanted to be left alone, he would just say “but I just really wanna talk to you!” and drive that route anyway. He also would not let go of me during hugs when I was clearly pulling away. I was like some sort of emotional supply for him.

Everything is about him. When I got suspended during my first semester of college for bad grades (I was severely depressed and ended up in the psych ward for a suicide attempt), he broke down because he was so sad about it and yelled at me asking “why can’t you do anything.” Later on I comforted HIM and told him everything was gonna be okay and I would get back on track (in my head I was like I have no idea what I’m going to do, full on panicking and still severely depressed). I brought this up to him a few years later and he said something along the lines of “oh that was such a long time ago and it was so hard for me”.

I recently have been distancing myself more and more, because whenever he visits me I feel so physically and emotionally uncomfortable and drained that I have to recover from it. I finally confronted my parents about how I felt so emotionally neglected as a child. My dad ignored the message, then when I reached out to him, he told me he “didn’t know what to say,” and that “we have plenty of time to talk about things, just think about calling your grandparents more often.” Plus some other really infuriating stuff. 

He’s been messaging me random shit like memes or a vaguely related thing to do with my interests, trying to test the waters. I’ve felt so sick and stressed thinking about how to reply. I’ve still reacted to his messages so he knows I’ve seen them. I finally texted that I didn’t want to text or interact in any other way for now because I couldn’t ignore the hurt I feel. 

He texts back almost instantly (I already deleted the conversation but it was along the lines of this) “I’m so happy you reached out, I’ve been thinking about things and I’m ready to talk about the hurt you feel. I mean it. We can call, no rush.”

I want to pull my fucking hair out. I ask to talk about my hurt, he doesn’t want to and tried to guilt me about my grandparents. After several weeks, I finally decide I’ve had enough, and NOW he immediately wants to fucking talk, how convenient.

I’ve been dealing with chronic hives for 2+ months and I’m starting to think it’s just because of him. The medication that keeps it at bay makes me so tired all the time and I can barely get myself to just go to work. I just want this man to leave me alone but I feel so guilty at the same time. My whole childhood I just blamed myself for my depression because it was easier than realizing my parents, especially my dad, were the ones that caused it. 

Easter Leftovers + my dad is driving me crazy