I got to a tipping point with my mom. Are my boundaries reasonable?

I’m trying to get perspective on a complicated situation with my mom and whether my boundaries are reasonable.

For context, my brother passed away in a head-on collision last year in March. Later, I found out he had expressed suicidal thoughts months before his death, but my mom didn’t tell me when I had asked her multiple times if anything seemed off. I only learned this later when I was going through my own mental health crisis (I was attempting suicide) and opened up to her. That really hurt my trust.

My mom has also had a long history of emotional dysregulation. Growing up, she would have intense “rages,” including screaming, throwing objects, and attempting to hit my dad. When I was 21 in college, during a conversation about my panic attacks and anxiety treatment, she escalated and physically assaulted me (pulling my hair, slapping me, and blocking me from leaving the house). I left and told her I didn’t feel safe being around her without therapy. She went to 1–2 sessions, but we never really repaired thing. we just moved on.

Since my brother’s passing, things have gotten worse. She withdraws, avoids conversations, and has emotional blowups. She also stopped seeing her therapist back in December.

Recently:

- On New Year’s Eve, she had a major blowup at my aunt’s house (I wasn’t there, but multiple people described her getting extremely aggressive, pacing, getting really close to my aunt, and insulting her calling her fat and shaming her for being on ozempic). This is where I lost respect for my mom. Like this is where I draw the line that very clear boundaries need to be drawn.

- A few days ago, in a group chat with my mom, dad, boyfriend, and me, we were casually talking about food. My boyfriend jokingly asked for food pictures. My bf sends pics of our food and my mom sends pics back. But, out of nowhere, my mom said “I just asked a simple question, I’m done with dealing with everyone!” and stopped talking to us completely. My bf even apologized immediately after in text. Nothing. Crickets in the chat.

- She stayed silent for about a week, but continued posting normally on social media.

- When she finally reached out, she said “Dad and I miss you!” To only me. When I responded honestly but calmly, she reframed the situation as her thinking she was “irritating us by asking stupid questions about food,” which doesn’t reflect what actually happened.

- She has also been posting things on social media about being a loving, present mother, which feels disconnected from how she’s actually engaging with me.

There’s also a long-standing pattern where if there’s conflict, she will withdraw and not speak to people for months or even a year (she’s done this with my grandma before).

I’ve realized that in the past, I’ve been the one to apologize and smooth things over even when I wasn’t at fault. This time, I’m trying not to fall back into that pattern. I’ve told her before that I think we need therapy to work through our issues, and at this point I don’t see a healthy way forward without it.

Right now I feel:

- hurt and frustrated by the lack of accountability

- guarded because of past physical and emotional abuse

- tired of the repeated pattern of blowup -> withdrawal -> partial re-engagement without resolution

- conflicted because I still care about the relationship but don’t feel safe engaging deeply

My main questions are:

- Are my boundaries reasonable (keeping things surface-level unless we do therapy)?

- How do I respond when she reaches out but avoids addressing what actually happened?

- Is it realistic to expect accountability from someone who tends to minimize and withdraw?

- How do I prevent resentment from building while still protecting myself?

I’m trying to handle this in a way that is fair but also doesn’t put me back into a dynamic that has been harmful to me. Thanks