It’s a lot all the time. I wish my dad was better. And I miss my mom.

I’m 26. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was 14, but had symptoms earlier. Now I work full time in tech, pay all my own bills. I’m a solo mom to an almost 6 month. It’s a lot all the time.

I didn’t see my dad in person for 5 years. It’s not that he couldn’t afford to visit me, or had a strict job. He works for himself remotely, and makes good money. He just didn’t want to. He has caused me so much pain. He made me homeless at 19. He wouldn’t help me get back on my meds. He was so neglectful it was abuse. I didn’t fit his mold for what he thought my life should look like, and he was chronically disappointed. My brother is the golden child. It is so incredibly painful.

My mom has had me blocked for 3 years. I recently moved back to the state where all my family lives. So now I live a 6 minute drive from her. She knows I had a baby. She still won’t unblock me. She has a lot of mental health issues. But she’s still my mom, and even though it was so incredibly toxic, I do really miss her.

Why do I have to be the regulated one, when it is chemically hardest for me to do so. It’s just a lot.