I was outed by my ex during a custody fight. Years later, I still can’t shake the resentment. Am I wrong?

Hi this is my first Reddit post. I’m a trans woman in my late 30s, and I want to share the story of how I was outed and how it’s affected me long term.

I was in a relationship for about five years. There were beautiful moments, but overall it was unstable and unhealthy. We came from very different backgrounds. I grew up poor and was used to surviving and figuring things out. They grew up more comfortable and had a lot of family support.

At one point I stepped away from work because my mental health completely collapsed. I was extremely depressed, and I genuinely believe that if I had stayed at that job it could have led to self-harm. During that time, my partner started resenting me for not bringing in income. They called me lazy, criticized me constantly, and pressured me to find work, even though earlier in the relationship I had been the one holding things together financially most of the time.

One night they asked if I would buzz my hair down and go help my uncle with overnight shifts at a cold-storage warehouse he worked at. I had already spoken to him privately about possibly doing that, but I asked why they were bringing it up. The conversation escalated quickly. They got angry, and it turned physical. That was the first time they hit me. There had been verbal abuse before that, but that moment changed everything for me.

About a year later, despite everything falling apart in many ways, we decided to have a baby. I love my child more than anything in the world, but looking back, it was an impulsive decision made during an emotionally unstable time for both of us. Around that same period, my partner reconnected with their mother after being no-contact for a long stretch. Once she came back into the picture, everything shifted. Boundaries disappeared, and I started feeling pushed out of my own relationship and decisions.

During the pregnancy, I also started questioning my sexuality and gender. We both came out to each other as bisexual, and for a moment it honestly felt like a deep bonding experience between us. We experimented online, and at some point they discovered I had been trying on some of their outfits when they weren’t home. I didn’t fully understand what it meant yet, but I remember feeling exposed and confused when it was found out, and I could tell it made them uncomfortable. So I pushed those feelings down and tried to focus on keeping peace.

Then came the baby shower. They wanted it to be women-only. That really hurt me. I lost my mom as a teenager, and she was not consistently present in my life in the years leading up to that. Moments like this felt especially painful for me emotionally. I wanted to be part of something so meaningful bringing my child into the world. Eventually they told me I could attend, but the situation still felt tense and awkward, especially since a couple of their cousins’ husbands ended up being there anyway.

There was also tension because some of my family didn’t RSVP through the online invite. They’re old-school and just said they would show up. At one point, my partner and their mom joked about making anyone who didn’t RSVP sit on the carpet and eat from paper plates. I remember sitting there feeling embarrassed and angry, because it felt clearly directed at my family, even if they tried to play it off as a joke.

At the shower, my stepmom showed up with a truck full of gifts diapers, clothes, a bassinet, even a stroller. We were struggling financially, and I felt overwhelmed with gratitude seeing that support. But my partner took it as disrespect, like my family was implying we couldn’t provide. That turned into a serious conflict. We started seeing a therapist, and I suggested we each handle issues with our own families separately. The therapist agreed. Instead, my partner called my stepmom directly and told her not to buy anything for the baby without checking first. My stepmom called me afterward really hurt, and I was devastated, feeling caught in the middle of something I didn’t create.

That was the breaking point for me. I ended the romantic relationship while they were still pregnant. It was incredibly painful. I told them I would still support them and be present for the birth, because despite everything, I didn’t want to abandon them during something so important. But I could no longer stay romantically involved.

Around that same period, I lost my sister to gun violence. It completely shattered me. I was grieving heavily, trying to hold myself together, and then very shortly after, my child was born. I didn’t even get time to process my grief properly. I showed up, emotionally exhausted, and supported my ex through labor. Despite everything between us, being there for the birth of my child was one of the most intense and meaningful experiences of my life.

After the birth, things became even more strained. I felt increasingly pushed out, dismissed, and undermined in parenting decisions. It felt like I was no longer welcome in my own child’s early life in the way I believed I should be. Eventually I stepped back from directly supporting my ex and focused entirely on my relationship with my child. When that was threatened, I filed for custody.

During this time, I was exploring my gender identity more openly online. I shared intimate personal content while still not being publicly out. That material was later discovered and brought up during custody proceedings. Private images of my exposed body were included in court documents, which effectively outed me before I was ready.

This was terrifying. In my community, being outed in that way can be dangerous. It could have put me at real risk. I felt exposed, humiliated, and emotionally overwhelmed. I struggled deeply, but I still fought to maintain my relationship with my child.

Eventually I did obtain custody. Later, I transitioned. My transition was questioned during the process, but professionals involved confirmed it was not negatively affecting my child.

Now, years later, things have stabilized in some ways. I’m living in my truth, and I’m genuinely grateful for that. But life is still very difficult. I don’t have a diploma, and finding stable work as a Black trans woman in my late 30s has been a real struggle. Meanwhile, my ex seems to have stability a long-term partner, strong family support, and a comfortable life.

And I still feel resentment.

I think about everything that happened the abuse, the isolation, the custody battle, and especially being outed in such a violating way. It feels like I’m still carrying the emotional weight while they’ve moved on with their life.

Am I wrong for still being upset?

Do I need to forgive and let it go?

Is it okay that I still feel this resentment years later?

I’m trying to move forward and build peace for myself, but part of me still feels stuck in what happened.