I just needed to vent… I’m starting to lose hope in love.

Well, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess, deep down, maybe I just want to get this off my chest, I really don't know for sure. Because, I don't know, I'm starting to lose hope. It all started about 8 months ago when I started an online relationship. I know it's silly, a lot of people believe it doesn't work out, but I wanted to try. At first, I thought: 'don't even try, there's no reason for you to try, keep to yourself and let it pass.' Well, something happened exactly when I asked for it, right after I finished speaking. So, I messaged the girl and we started dating.

Well, at first it was truly amazing. Until it all started... up to here it has nothing to do with her, but rather with how my mind is messed up. Well, everything started coming to the surface. Back when I was in sixth grade, I had an addiction to pornography. That lasted until the day I told her I liked her and we started dating (just to be clear: as soon as I sent the message, I never accessed, for example, Pornhub again).

Another thing that made my mind worse was that, from 9th grade until my first year of high school, I was bullied. I had changed schools, but in the new one I suffered both verbal and physical abuse, and even some things that could be considered assault, I think. Some boys would touch my butt, all because I was a bit chubby. And well, after that time passed, the pandemic started. So, after the bullying, I closed myself off, since I just stayed on the computer locked inside my house. When all of that passed, in my last year of school, I wanted to put an end to it, so if someone came at me I would be willing to fight if necessary. But, in the end, it was okay. I didn't suffer, but I was isolated, since I wasn't close to anyone in the classroom. I mostly talked to a boy from another class during recess.

Now back to the present, all of this came crashing down on me in my thoughts. Well, what I'm about to say is very uncomfortable for me: I'm 21 years old and 1.65m (5'5") tall. That part probably stems from the bullying. The other part comes from the 18+ content, since my piece isn't as well-endowed as in the videos, I think it's around 12/13 centimeters (4.7/5.1 inches), which is okay... I guess. So, insecurities about all this started hitting me, comparisons, thoughts about maybe not being enough. This hit me in various ways, both physically and down there.

And well, after almost reaching 8 months of dating, she started acting differently. For example, she liked a reel where a guy was skinny (up to that point she hadn't liked it), but liked it as soon as he appeared all jacked. It might seem stupid in my head, but to me that's a lack of respect for your partner, isn't it? Like, I wouldn't feel comfortable liking a picture of another woman in a bikini, etc. Later, she said she was talking again or had talked to a former best friend. As soon as I heard that, an internal alarm went off about what could happen. Just to be clear before this part: I always believed I hid my problems well by acting, so no one suspected I was doing terribly mentally.

And a few days later she said she wanted to go out with him and some other friends. Ok, it might be just me, but that didn't smell right. Just to be clear here: I never, ever forbade her from anything and we never even had a fight. But, a week later, she said she wanted to sleep over at this ex-best friend's house to rest, since she always told me her parents weren't good for her. I accepted without questioning, already crying because I could imagine what was coming.

Well, Saturday came, she went out. Afterwards, she barely answered my messages. Monday arrived and she said: 'Look, you must have noticed I'm being a bit distant. You didn't do anything. It's just that this weekend changed my mind. I can assure you I didn't do anything and neither did you, but I remembered how much I love physical touch, and I think I'm starting to lose feelings for you. I think it's best we break up.' And she said that maybe we wouldn't work out very well, etc... Keeping in mind we never even met in person, we didn't even get to that part. And then she asked me to focus on my dreams and life projects, and said: 'You didn't do anything wrong, just my mind changed, and thank you for the time we spent together these months, I really appreciate it! Anyway, you don't need to reply, it will only hurt more, I just wanted you to understand, sorry.'

And then she just blocked me, we didn't even really have a conversation. And like, if she didn't do anything, what made her remember she likes physical touch? Well, now that all this is over, I am genuinely completely losing faith that it's possible for me to have a happy relationship with someone. My dream was to marry a woman, for her and I to live happily with a son or daughter. But I believe maybe that's not possible for me, both because of my body (which I don't like very much, I wish it were very different), and also because it's not that easy to meet someone who wants to have a family and live as a happy couple until the end.

I talked to some friends and they told me that what I'm looking for isn't with 21-year-old women (which is my age), but with 32-year-old women, since that's the age when they start looking for a life partner, because in our generation everyone just wants something casual for the moment and not for a lifetime.

And now for the final part of this (I apologize for the huge text). It's that even TikTok and the like are killing my hope and faith in a beautiful future. Videos about I don't know what, something like 'hooking up with a guy after a breakup', and comments worried if the guy's piece is below average, and everyone laughing and saying it's never an individual experience. Man, how that attacks me even more, because I had an addiction to that for years of my life (must have lasted like 7 years, I don't know). And well, for a 21-year-old who is 1.65m... I was never sure, but I think it really is between 11 and 13cm. That doesn't seem like someone that anyone would want.

So, besides what happened (I even believe I was cheated on and stuff), what also breaks me is that I want to close myself off, but I know myself well enough to know that when I start liking someone, I will want to surrender myself completely. And I don't want to suffer, I just want someone to live happily with, to fulfill one of my biggest dreams which is marrying the woman of my life and having a family with her. Well, that was my vent. Sorry it's so long, but I wanted to get it out. Look, if anyone comments anything, I promise I'll try to gather the courage to reply.