I feel so stupid

I know all these emotions are temporary and things might work out in the end but fuck man. I just got out of a chem 2 exam, a class I already have a C in. And I know I did horrible, even though I knew more on this exam than the other two.

I also fucked up by forgetting to not schedule an appointment with my academic advisor so now there’s a hold on my account until my new appointment on the 16th because he’s booked until then. Which puts be behind even freshmen in terms of scheduling next years classes.

I feel so guilty. My family is already going through a rough time due to this fucking administration being the reason my mom wasn’t able to keep her job. My family is taking out a parent plus loan, and still have my two other siblings to deal with. All of that just for me to fuck up. I don’t think I’ll become a doctor at this rate, which the entire reason I wanted to be one was so that I could help my family out. But I’m just getting them into deeper shit. It sucks. Even if I do manage to pass this class, I don’t even know if I wanna be a doctor. I love learning about medicine and the human body, and it’s not that I actually don’t want to. It’s just that it’s expensive to become one and going to be much harder than a fucking chem 2 class. I mean, I have to dedicate +8 more years of my life to be a psychiatrist. Most of my days are going to be about that one thing, with little room to write and draw? I don’t want to be a writer or artist. I just wanna do those things on the side but it seems so fucking impossible with how demanding med school seems to be. If I’m not in class, imma have to do extracurriculars or be studying. How much time am I actually going to have? What type of life is that?

It sucks because I love college. I love learning. I love all my classes and major. And I really do wanna be a psychiatrist. But I just suck. I lowkey just want to kill myself as soon as I graduate. That way I get to learn about things I’m interested in, don’t have to deal with the following years of becoming a doctor, and get the loans forgiven for my parents.