I was raped again

When I was 15 this 30 year old man raped me and then told me that I’m ugly. I took over 100 pills after it happened and was hospitalized. It’s been 3 years and he still finds ways to reach out to me. I’ve been struggling so much with substance abuse and ptsd and wanting to die so I thought it wld be harmless to hangout with him again. Maybe he wld give me closure and tell me why he raped me or take back what he said. Anyways, none of that happened. I got drunk and woke up to him having sex with me and I begged him to stop. I don’t see a point in living anymore. I feel completely soulless. He has a gun so I think I’m gonna find a way to use it.