Girl math or a recursive delusion?

I tried getting over you- it didn’t take.
No longer fixated- but I still catch myself daydreaming- convincing myself that each small interaction might add up to this being mutual. I don’t think I put you on a pedestal- but I do respect you more than nearly anyone else I’ve met- even when you are being a hard headed prick. I may get upset- but I’ve never hated you or shut you out- i could never stay mad at you. I did add a bit of space recently to process how I felt.

Between the eye contact and vibes- I thought there was chemistry. 

Delusional- I know, I know.

I started researching body language and social cues because I am completely hopeless. 

Your walls are so high up- I don’t know if it even matters truly. I don’t usually tolerate hot and cold behavior- even from friends. I don’t chase confusion. Sometimes I wonder if you’re aware how I feel and just get a kick out of my reactions- but you’ve never hurt me intentionally either. 

I didn’t tell you outright- I missed my opportunity. So I asked to spend time with you. The polite rejection should have been enough for the daydreams to whither.

Still, I keep wondering if it’s really introversion as you said- or money, timing, life- anything but disinterest. If I’m asking- just know I am offering. I know you and I both likely have a plethora of options- but I want you. I know I am an idiot lately and I’m trying to distract myself- but the lack of sleep, being unable to eat, and hobbies- they are all killing me slowly. 

I don’t understand why you keep sharing more and getting close if you don’t want to be better friends- or more? Even platonically I think we’d have a lot of fun hanging out- I know I could have used a friend at the time. Either way- I hope you are doing well. I just need to get whatever this is out of my system somehow. I know it’s all in my head and honestly as long as you’re happy- that’s all that really matters.