Depression, Veganism and loneliness (TW: Suicide, Depression, SA)

I dont know anymore.

I am 24 and male and just feel like my life is over. I've dealt with Depression all my life, I could bore you guys with trauma, but whats the point. I was abused, listened to my mom crying every night, both my parents were suicidal, my mom drank A LOT, my brother was aggressive, my sister had to cook for us and do homework with us, I was sexually abused on my 18th birthday, bullied, you get the picture, my life was hell from 8 to 20, I had two attempts, one with 17 and one with 21.

A little under a year ago I finished in a college for mentally ill people. Its a German thing, an Ausbildung. Took years to do it, got a degree, learned a job, even managed to be second best in my entire class and had the best score of the entire school in a special English exam. I'm not stupid, at least on paper. My depression just fucked my head.

I turned vegan with 18, so 6 years ago now. Stuck with it through years of therapy and hardship. Im actually pretty lucky, I made most people of my friend group and my brother vegan too over the years. But we arent really doing much together anymore, I always felt like the groups punching bag anyways. Was an easy target I guess. We are still on good terms and talk sometimes, but.. idk, I am not close to them at all, its weird.

Anyways, I lived in a dorm for a few years but am now back living with my mom and her boyfriend. I want to move out as soon as possible though.

But I just cant find meaning in life. Its hard for me to motivate myself to do basic things. I have trouble eating enough and showering, when I go to sleep I have nightmares and paralysis. I got laid off a couple of weeks ago, store was going under, should give me the time to look for my own place, a new job and maybe a new purpose. But even getting out of bed or doing things I usually enjoy are getting harder and harder.

How does Veganism come into play?

Well, it just makes things more.. hopeless for me.

I know its pathetic, but one thing I really want is a partner. Look, I know I am supposed to work on myself first and the rest will fall into place, but Ive been doing that for years and years. I just want a hug. But I also know that long term I wont be happy with a non-vegan partner. Meat eating is so disgusting and goes so against my core ideals at this point that it would be all Id be thinking about. The awful things we do to animals and our planet is making my depression worse on its own, I dont need that in my partner too.

But like.. at this point, what are my chances of being happy even?

After years of therapy and schooling and getting half way back on my feet, I'm a high maintenance guy who has regular panic attacks that make me pray to god (Im an atheist) and nightmares, who has low motivation, cries a lot, I'm not exactly masculine (very slim, like to wear slightly girly things sometimes, cuddle with plushies) and I'm vegan.

What are the odds of meeting someone who puts up with all of that and is also vegan and on top of that also into me as a person? And trust me, Im a very boring guy, I dont have the time to be interesting because almost every day feels like I'm being hunted down by people who want to skin me alive.

All of this on top of the state of the world.. I dont know, it makes me wish that one of my attempts just worked. I fought so hard to get to this point and now I have an empty, lonely life with no chance of experiencing love.

Its just.. I'm so tired.