Radically reborn…but is this normal? **sensitive material**

I had a radical encounter with Jesus while I was an agnostic that saved my physical life after I cried out to Him. I felt a physical weight come off my chest and I was filled with so much love, joy, peace…it was amazing! I know He’s real (His presence was in the room with me) and after my encounter, I was totally changed. I knew I was saved! I stopped cussing, all my bitterness and anger were gone, I loved everyone (even strangers!)

However, I didn’t understand that not only my physical life had been saved. I didn’t know what “born again” really was, even though I’d been in and out of church for many years before becoming agnostic for many more years. So, after this encounter, I was still sinning without knowing I was sinning or that my sins were really offensive to God.

One sin, in particular, was creeping back in and I didn’t notice at first. It felt justified because of extenuating circumstances. It had to do with lust. I’m married, but my husband is disabled. Anyway, I stopped some activities but my thoughts would go there and I didn’t always stop them. I didn’t know our thoughts could be sinful. I know now, but back then, I thought we didn’t have control of our thoughts so I didn’t really fight them off. Anyway. It felt like God was getting angry with me but I didn’t understand why.

One morning I woke up and it was like the flood gates had opened and my mind was flooded with a host of terrible thoughts! I knew they weren’t coming from me and they frightened me. They were disturbing! It was at this point I figured out my mind could absolutely be sinful and it was a battle! After some time, I couldn’t tell if they were coming from me or not but I struggled to fight them off. I didn’t want them. Sometimes they’d win because my mind was exhausted from the all day, all night battle of trying to keep them away. Then I started to get attacked in my sleep, I had sleep paralysis, my body started to involuntarily react to every little sight and sound as a stimulus…it was awful! I didn’t want the thoughts or the bodily reactions and I fought against them as best I could but sometimes I lost the fight from exhaustion. Ever since then, my relationship with the Lord has felt empty and I don’t feel Him like I used to. My prayers feel unheard. I don’t have the guidance from Him I used to. I had an experience where it felt like He left in a very dramatic way. Thankfully the thoughts have mostly gone away, the nightmares have stopped, and my body has stopped reacting to everything.

If God points out a sin that you don’t realize is a sin and continue on, is this what happens? I realized later what I was doing was a sin and fought it; but my goodness was it a battle! I’ve developed constant panic attacks and it was hard to read scripture. I felt condemned by what I was reading. I pushed through and kept reading and I do see beauty in the scriptures again…but often still feel fear when I get to certain passages.

Is this intense struggle with sin normal after such a radical encounter with Jesus? It felt like everything was falling off me without any effort before and it wasn’t a struggle. It was like He was just doing it all for me. But this one…wow…it’s been intense!