binging addiction in college is ruining my life

i reached a new low today and i don’t even know what to do anymore. the way my night went is so shameful i can’t even bring myself to share it on here. i just want to cry i literally can’t control myself and it’s killing every part of my life. i don’t even remember a time when i had a healthy relationship with food, but i do know its never been worse than between december-now. i see it in my body and my face but also just can’t get away from how thoughts of food constantly torment my mind. i’m a college athlete and i can feel it affecting my performance but i don’t think i can bring myself to tell my coaches or my teammates about it. i don’t know what to do because i fall back into this no matter what. i try to “eat intuitively” and not think too much about what i eat, then i end up binging without thinking. i try to track my macros every day and weigh out all my food, then my brain becomes so hyper focused on the concept of food that i end up binging. i’ve tried every trick in the book but i just feel so weak minded because it happens again and again and again. right now i just came down from a particularly bad binge and i feel so insanely ill and i know im going to feel like this for the next 5 days now. ive literally binged every day this week i can’t control it. and im not ready to go back and see my hometown friends this summer because even though they would never think to judge me i know they’ll be able to notice how my body and face has changed and that just makes me want to disappear forever. i don’t understand what’s wrong with me, last semester i lost 25 pounds and didn’t track anything, and i didn’t even have any bad binging days which was probably my longest binge free streak in years (although admittedly i was eating way too little and was binge drinking multiple times a week instead) and then after i came back from winter break in december it’s like something just snapped in me and it’s all i can think about. its never been this out of control. i try watching ex binge eaters tell stories of their worst binges to comfort myself but it doesn’t even work because i realize that my binge days are more insane than their story and it just makes me feel even more alone. i just feel so embarrassed being an athlete, going to practices every day, running, lifting, wearing the expensive gear, competing, etc. just for me to be ruining all my potential progress and all of the activity in my life because of this sickness. i feel like a fake and it makes me want to give up completely and just shut myself in my room forever. and i feel so ashamed about it i can’t tell even my closest friends, i can’t tell my parents because we’ve never been close like that and i don’t think they’ll understand, i just don’t know how to fix this. i cant keep “restarting” just to binge again two days later. and i don’t even want to think about the other side of physical repercussions this could have on me. while i will binge on literally anything, its usually extremely sweet and unhealthy food, i dont wanna know what that means for my heart or cholesterol or whatever. i can see myself getting bigger, i can feel myself getting slower and i can see my times in practice plateauing or slowing down, i just feel like this past school year ive damaged my life so bad, first it was the drinking and now its back to eating. i dont know if ill ever be able to overcome this stuff i dont know how i could possibly rewire my brain. do i need to see a therapist? a psychiatrist? do i need medication? or like electroshock therapy??? i dont even know im willing to try anything because i need to get away from my mind. i know this is jumbled i dont know if im looking for advice or someone who understands the feeling i just had to get my thoughts out somewhere