Aaj mera 20 va birthday hai 😔🥀

thoda lamba post hai par padhloge toh acha lagega

TLDR; how i fked my life

pata hai aaj kya hua aaj mera birthday hai, and honestly couldnt be gone any worse(waise bhi ek bhi acha toh gaya nahi hai)....

toh huva u hai ki me college se detained hogaya low attendance ke karan, i was in depression having clinical anxiety and i just couldnt wake up from bed and go to college i was aware of damage i am causing for myself but instead of working on it, I let it slowly kill me. Thing is first i didnt thought college to be like that you know i wasnt bollywood level type but its worst than school man, i cant express that how but it just is.

I come from decent family, but still something in my mind tells me to start earning as soon as possible, i dont want to rely on parents. There are things I want to buy which i cant from parents money, there are things i want to eat which i just cant on normal days( i mean i need to save in order to go to pizza shop or cafes or anything). And sort of other things too. So i was focused on up-skilling myself and trying to learn by myself instead of relying on college.

I am a 2nd year BSc-IT student. I was thinking of learning skills and do freelancing. but eventually staying in the same place every single day got worse. I wasnt feeling any emotions on anything, like assignments came idc i didnt complete them. internal exams came i skipped them. and did all those things that got be detained. I regret it yes but also not much as i wanted a clear mental peace and i got.

lekin ab family problem ban chuki, they see me as failed son, havent talked to dad in a month and mummy se toh hafte me ek baar baat hoti hai or woh bhi theek thak. (my mom and dad live separate(not divorced, but for work )).

I live in different city and in hostel.

All i wanted to was some some extra money so that i can atleast manage my own food( like i get money but its i just cant ask them again and again yaar)

Down to my last remaining, and yeah now after all this i dont have courage to ask them more.

Thought of doing su*c*de but nope i aint that gonna let it go easy way (One life gotta make it count) but fir bhi khayal toh aata hai karneka.

what i am currently doing is looking into companies for internship and other workplaces for part time or smh from which i can earn. But idon when that will come.

Right now I am learning and making SaaS tools, helping people fix code or whatever problem i can contributing in others work. I am trying to do smh but i am just hopeless but I hope Something works out for me yaar. I will try to work hard and keep learning everyday.

Woh kehte galat train pe chad gaye toh aake station pe utarke wapis aajao, lekin yeh bhi kehte hai ki kabhi kabhi zindagi me galat kadam uthane se hi aage kaam chalata hai( smh like that ykwim right).

So yeah just wanted to get it out, but yea i promise myself I will be someone before my next birthday and gonna celebrate it so f-king bigg.