Desire and pursuit

When my husband (40M) and I (43F) were dating, I was at the center of his desire. He sacrificed a lot to spend time with me and plan dates where could get to know each other. Once we got married the center of his life pursuit became school. He drove through that focus with a laser beam and got his education done in record time. Then his focus became the pursuit of a career. You begin to see a pattern.

I have not been his primary pursuit since our dating years. I know there’s a big difference between “it feels like” and the actual reality of a situation. But our date nights and time spent building our relationship over the years has easily gone on the back burner in favor of all the pursuits that would get us ahead in life. I see now that I’m a big part of that habit. I did not voice my concern about our relationship being second fiddle in our priorities.

How does that tie into our sexual connection? There is no effort put into all day foreplay. It’s either laser focus on work or gym or family or hobbies. And because there is no focus on foreplay and keeping things fun, life feels like all work and no play. I have a high desire for sex and I think about my husband all day long. I try to engage in playfulness, sexting, checking in with each other throughout the day, touching when we’re home together, but I don’t get a lot of reciprocation.

“It feels like” there is no desire for me-there’s no pursuit. I feel taken for granted. Even though I’m horny a lot of the time, it’s hard to keep arousal going if I don’t feel pursued. Then when we do have sex I’m a super willing participant but I can’t quite get to orgasm because I’m trying to go from 0-100 with low arousal.

I suppose my question is for the men out there who are laser-driven, single focus, productivity awesomeness. How do you find a balance? How do you prioritize your wife without getting so lost in your work and goals? Do I need to put reminders on his phone to call me, send me a dick pic (not an invitation from anyone else), and “have hot sex with wife tonight?” I want the desire and motivation to be intrinsic for him. Wives, any success you’ve found with your absentminded, tunnel vision husbands?