The Twilight Zone

I feel like I am living in an alternate reality. A realm where I have to play a role in a bizarre play. I have been ill with cfs 20+ years after a viral infection. I can't and won't talk about how I am anymore because I heard all the dismissive comments 20 times already. I hide my life, I talk about other people's lives the few times I get to talk to someone.

I hide from my doctor, I don't bring up cfs anymore because he has only seen one patient with it. Therefore I can't have it. What other disease where you can't function and hardly can leave your house can you not even talk to your doctor about. So I stopped talking, just take my routine labs and give me my everyday meds and leave me alone. I can't prove it anymore. I am too tired.

I am trying to take a class in college and though I have disability accommodations, I am not treated well. I try to talk to my teachers and advisors about my limitations and they cut me off and don't want to hear. My advisor stopped responding to me after I told him about my dad dying and my health issues interfering. So I learned to hide my life. Don't ask for too much and just shut up.

I wrote a paper for college about the lack of treatment for cfs, lack of respect and research. what was the peer response? Basically it's too negative, what can be done to help it? Geeze, why didn't I think of that for the last 20 years.

I have a therapist but I don't have anything to talk about anymore. Practically everyday, I am in pain and exhausted. My room is a mess, I sleep on a bare mattress, I have no life. What's there to say I haven't said 1000 times? Broken record.

I feel like I live in a alternate universe where I have to play a normal person but I am nothing like them anymore. I am like a cockroach who barely survives.

I am just worn out and this all feels like a sick joke. A sick joke on me and all of us.