I’m really tired

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I feel very alone and kind of lost.

Even writing this makes me feel ridiculous, like I’m exaggerating or people will think I’m crazy. But at the same time, I’ve been dealing with my mental health for almost two years now, and it feels like I’m stuck in a hole I can’t get out of.

I don’t really feel happiness anymore. The only moments I feel “okay” are when I’m distracting myself watching anime, reading manhwa, books, or series. In those moments, I can kind of escape and feel something, but it’s like I’m living someone else’s life instead of mine. As soon as I stop, everything comes back. Anxiety about my future, sadness about my past, and this constant feeling that I’m not okay.

I keep thinking about how I used to feel before how easy it was to be happy, to enjoy small things, to feel free. And now everything feels heavy. I tell myself every day that I’m getting better, but I’m not really doing anything. I can’t even get out of bed properly or study. I’m in university, but I keep failing because I just… can’t make myself do it.

I live away from my hometown, and when I’m alone it gets worse. I barely eat, I don’t take care of myself, and I just try to escape reality as much as I can. The only time I feel a bit less overwhelmed is when I’m back home with my family, but they don’t really know how I feel. They just expect me to do well and pass everything, and I feel like their kindness depends on that.

I’m also scared of failing them, especially my mom. When she gets angry, she says really hurtful things, and I feel like if I don’t meet expectations, everything will fall apart.

The worst part is that I don’t really see a future for myself. I don’t feel excited about anything not my career, not my life, nothing. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. The only time I feel “okay” is when I’m not really being myself, just escaping into something fictional.

Sometimes I even feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, well mostly all the time, I truly want to disappear. I wouldn’t actually do anything not because I don’t want to, because I know I’d feel guilty and hurt people, but the feeling is still there, and it’s really hard to deal with specially since my family constant repeats how I fail them how being like how I am now without constant happiness hurt them and makes them miserable. But the only reason I’m here is because I don’t want to hurt them more, but it’s seems like me living still hurts them because I can’t be how they want me to be and everything sucks.

I don’t even feel like I can talk about this with my best friend, if I can call him that because sometime he doesn’t even feel like a best friend, so I guess I’m posting here because I just want to feel understood, or maybe know if someone else feels the same.

I just wish something would make everything end, I’m really tired.