I am desperate!

I’m willing to sell my soul to not be AuDHD. Everyone has “head” knowledge, but ignore the “emotion” part. I know I have messed up! I get it, but I finally got a diagnosis at 41. Let that sink in: 41! My husband is lovely, but so neurotypical. He expects everyone to be like him. I hate it! I would have rather not have been created than be like this! My parents treated me like trash and ignored me. I had half diagnosis that I was half treated for. I had no support, and I tried to do everything on my own. It wasn’t good enough, but what resources did I have when I was younger? None! No help! No plan! No anything!

Medicine? Nothing. Not…one…thing! I’m physically fine, so screw anything else!

I just wish I was not created. I hate myself! If this was going to be my life, God is guilty of the sin of sadism. I never asked for this!

I have functioned so well on my own before early menopause. I didn’t ask for endometriosis, either! I prayed so hard, and I believe God is real, but He has his favorites. I am not one of them.

And, PLEASE, I don’t need you Kenneth Copeland types telling me that I don’t have enough faith, pay the bill! I believe more than any of you do. I believe God hates me. He just does. Maybe he is a sadist and wants to see me burn in hell! I can’t understand why God would look at someone trying so hard, begging and pleading for help, and doing everything possible to fix herself…then, ignore her and send people to shame her!

I don’t want perfection! I want normal! A normal response to things that happen out of my control! I just want normalcy! God has not created me to an example to people. Christians and the public do not care!

I just want to be normal! That is all I want!