Why do I feel guilty about my dad’s suicide even though he was an asshole?

My dad wasn’t a bad person, but drugs ruined him.

When I was really young, my parents’ relationship fell apart. My dad couldn’t handle responsibility and turned to drugs, and my mom was dealing with postpartum depression. Then my little brother got cancer at about 1 and a half years old. My mom had to move to the city with him for treatment, and I stayed with my dad for a while. He wasn’t a good parent, he’d leave me alone a lot.

My brother spent about 6 months in hospitals. I had my 5th birthday in his hospital room. He died a week later.

That completely broke my dad. Instead of getting help, he got deeper into drugs, especially cocaine. He became unpredictable, angry, and scary to be around. My parents fought constantly, and I saw all of it growing up.

School became my only safe place, but I started acting out, fighting, getting suspended, being a problem child. At home, my dad would yell or sometimes hit me instead of actually parenting me. My mom tried her best, but everything was falling apart.

As I got older, things didn’t improve. My dad cheated, spent all his money on drugs, and didn’t help pay for anything. He’d disappear for nights, destroy things when he was angry, and bring bad people around. I even found a crack pipe in our garage once.

Eventually my mom left him. We moved out, but I still saw him. Sometimes he could seem normal, like watching fights or hanging out, but it never lasted.

One night we watched UFC together and actually had a good time. The next morning, he came into the room I said good morning to him he didn’t respond and left. I went back to sleep.

A few hours later, my family told me he was dead. He had killed himself in the garage.

I completely broke. I remember collapsing, crying, not believing it was real. For a while I convinced myself it couldn’t actually be him.

Now I keep thinking about that morning, if I had gotten up instead of going back to sleep, could I have stopped him?

I know people say it wasn’t my fault, but it’s hard to believe that.