42, married with kids and struggling to navigate AGP, crossdressing, and a failing sense of trust with my wife

I’m hoping to connect with someone who understands what I’m going through as it would be really lovely to have someone to chat with.

I’m a 42 year old married man with two young kids. I met my wife about 20 years ago and we had a great relationship. However, I never told her about my sporadic interest in crossdressing, or my consumption of trans porn, until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately, the way it came out wasn’t ideal, and since then things have been difficult between us in many ways. She can’t accept that I watched trans porn and believes it damaged our sex life, she hasn’t been able to tolerate the thought of me crossdressing, or even fantasising about crossdressing, and she has ongoing trust issues in our relationship.

I understand why all these things are hurtful to her, but I had hoped she would be able to understand why I felt I couldn’t be open with her sooner in our relationship. I wanted to open up to her as I had reached a point where I felt like I needed to explore my feminine identity further, and I wasn’t willing to do that if I wasn’t being open with her about it.

Since I told her and she has been upset about it, I have gone back to full repression. Actually, I have gone further as I no longer consume any pornography. I do want to continue my life as a man, as my wife’s husband, father to our children - but I had wanted to explore expressing my feminine side. Instead, I have pretty much stopped taking any steps to navigate my identity or to explore femininity, to ensure I am rebuilding trust.

I feel stuck between wanting to be honest about who I am and wanting to preserve my marriage and family life. It’s been pretty isolating, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it openly.

Ideally I’m not looking for judgment, just someone who’s been through something similar or who can offer perspective on managing this kind of situation, especially within a long-term relationship and with kids involved.

Thanks for reading.