Hi J..

I don’t know where to start. There’s so much I want to say, and I’ve been holding it all in because I didn’t want to hurt you or be hurt myself... The truth is, I miss you. I think about you every day, more than I probably should. Some days, I convince myself I’m over it.. And then something reminds me of you, and all the air settles so heavily in my chest. I guess I wanted to believe that if we cared about each other, that it would be enough. But it wasn’t, and I had to accept that you had other priorities and your own way of doing things.

You said we could be friends. We never were friends, and while I’m open to being a friend with you, it feels dishonest to myself and the feelings I still have for you. You also don’t seem very interested in keeping up a friendship with me. You know I struggle with reaching out. You know most of me…

I’ve gone over everything so many times, how we went from a situationship to then fall in love to now this, a space where we rarely ever speak. You were part of my world, my comfort and my rock and losing you has felt like I lost a huge part of myself. Maybe one day, the missing will soften. Maybe one day I’ll think of you and only feel grateful. But right now, I’m still healing and doing the best I can. At the end of the day I still miss you, so much, and not just the relationship but you. The one I could laugh with over nothing, the one I could just sit in silence with and still feel completely content, my home away from home.

I don’t want to write this to reopen any wounds or to make you feel bad. I just wanted to tell you that what we had mattered to me. That you mattered and you were so precious to me. And that I’m still learning how to let go of something I didn’t want to lose. I keep coming back to the same thought that if I had just left with my parents that we wouldn’t be here because now it’s just memories and silence but I would never want to let go of the times I held you close to my soul. I don’t know what the future looks like, but I do know that part of me will always care about you and love you. Always.

With everything I have. Love, J.