Leaving doubts: perspective wanted

After my narcs last outburst which consisted of physically shoving me, pretending to leave my son and I on vacation and go on a flight to Costa Rica but leave us 5k (he packed all his bags and put them in the car when we were out at breakfast and then pretended he left us there). Saying that when I go back to work from maternity leave that I need to get two jobs to make the same

amount of money as him, that women who make less than their husbands are riding on their coat tails, etc.

He said all of this in front of our toddler son. I decided enough is enough and I’m leaving. I have to divorce this insane person. He is systematically destabilizing me and crushing everything about myself. The abuse is now EVERY TYPE. Physical, emotional, financial, verbal. He is trying to literally control everything. Everything is DARVO. He told me that if he is unhappy than no one in the family can be happy.

I genuinely have concern for sharing custody of our son because of my husband’s instability and escalation of abuse. I’m working with an attorney right now to prepare my case for divorce and have been compiling evidence that depicts him as the monster he is.

I’m so hellbent on leaving because if I stay I literally will be run to the ground. I am a very strong person but I can no longer tolerate this. I don’t think it’s healthy or normal for

Our son to spend all his time in this type of environment.

Then I saw a comment under a post about leaving an abusive husband and it was like “I could never do that to my kids I’ll endure the abuse for them.”

And it made me think that I’m selfish for choosing myself instead of staying in this dynamic where I am the stabilizer and will take all the abuse for my son. I’ll do everything to make my husband happy so he doesn’t misdirect and treats us well.

But is that fair for a child AND for me? I know children learn through experience and watching and what is he learning? That I’m daddy’s servant and responsible for his happiness and every basic need? Is this truly what’s best for them?

I’m torn.