to the guy i fell in love with months ago

i hate your inconsistency

i want you to be the one

i want you to love me like i love you

but i’ve taught myself to walk away

i’ve learned that there’s better

but god how badly i want it to be you

want?

or wanted?

love?

or loved?

i wanted you to be the one

i wanted you to love me like i loved you

but now?

i have no idea how i feel

i just know you have to win me back

i don’t know what’s more painful,

having to ghost and ignore you

or knowing that you haven’t genuinely reached out

writing poetry is my way of expressing feelings

telling people how i exist

trying to put my pain into words

so that i can feel better

feel a release, feel free of you

but all i feel is a growing lump in my throat

and a feeling i can’t put into words

despair? grief? agony? desolation?

none of these can describe how bad it hurts

but physically all i can feel is an urge to sob and a pressure in my chest

you told me once that it was okay to cry.

but now it’s only because of you.

i can try to distract myself with other men

but i feel empty

they’re cute, they’re sweet, they’re loving

and still everyday i check to see if you’re still there

if you see what i post, things i say.

i wake up from nightmares of you unadding me

cutting our ties forever

i’ve tried to communicate time after time, yet

you’re still inconsistent

for once.

i thought someone loved me.

for the first time i loved someone, would change for them, would trust for them

and fuck i still do

i wanted to leave this place, but for you i would’ve stayed a year for you to finish school

we could move to a place where we could finish our schooling

i let myself think to far ahead for once

never have i thought farther with another man

i would think about us getting married, you crying as i walked down the aisle.

i would think about having kids, and how you would be such a fun dad

now i’m watching as my screen gets wet with tears

and stupidly i would’ve thought that you’d be there to comfort and hug me

“everything’s okay love”

but no. i thought wrong. i always did.

how badly i want to scream at you

how badly i want to change

hopefully i can finish this coherently

but i’m afraid tears are filling up my eyes

i don’t want a future without you

i don’t want everything to be a waste

but i also don’t want to be left on delivered for a day after i tell you i feel some way

i should’ve known from the start

when you took longer to respond

when you dropped the compliments

dropped the cute nicknames

dropped asking how your day was

dropped asking if i’ve eaten

dropped talking about seeing me

saying you’re too busy

then telling me you went out drinking and a girl hit on you

you were on shrooms running around with your friends one weekend

you spent all night out without one text

you spent the day making a keyboard yet didn’t respond once

i wanted to know so badly what we were, but you said you didn’t know

you were to busy to think about a girl you fell asleep with on call so so many times

you said i was a close friend

a fucking friend

but that’s not how it started out

i really got my hopes up

i want to keep writing

but all i really want is for you to come back

but that’s not happening

so i would sit here and cry

but i have to go on with my life

with or without you

i want you to know how i feel but i don’t want to be perceived as weak or sensitive

even though you already told me i am

but if you ask

i will tell you in a heartbeat